Nowadays，a lot of people enjoy watching sports on TV. Do you think the advantages of watching sports on TV outweigh the disadvantages?
Although
,
advertising Remove the comma
apply
sports
products is thought by some to be fair for sports
players
, other people think that sports
should be leisure activities. In my opinion, I believe that athletes
can advertise sports
products as they have a strong influence to
the audience.
Admittedly, I believe there are some great benefits of Change preposition
on
sports
players
advertising for products. Firstly
, athletes
can make an improvement of
their income. Change preposition
in
This
helps them to benefit from the fame and offer
them Correct subject-verb agreement
offers
a
financial stability after retirement. Remove the article
apply
Secondly
, sports
players
spend a lot of time and energy improving their bodies to reach the required level of being professionals. For example
, football players
need to train two
hours in the gym every day to increase their performance and skills. Change preposition
for two
Furthermore
, it is useful to encourage people to do sports
due to
the influence of famous athletes
.
Nevertheless
, despite the advantages above there are some who consider that sports
ought to be leisure activities only. In other word
, doing Change the wording
another word
other words
sports
batter to be free without any payment because sports
are just a way whereas
people enjoy in Correct word choice
apply
free
time or keep fit. Another issue is that making Correct pronoun usage
their free
sports
as
business Correct your spelling
a
bring
a numerous problem, Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
for instance
, when sports
become market
for earning money, Correct article usage
a market
athletes
will focus more to get
Change preposition
on getting
high
salary and practice Correct article usage
a high
sports
as source
of income Add an article
a source
that
might lead them to take Correct pronoun usage
which
drug
Fix the agreement mistake
drugs
for having
more energy. Change preposition
to have
Also
, players
will try to have a place in the background rather than playing sports
.
In conclusion, getting money from sports
or working out in the gym far outweighs any of the minor benefits that could result from being
leisure activities.Unnecessary verb
apply
Submitted by s_syedy on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific and relevant examples to illustrate your main points. This can add strength to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Focus on improving the logical structure of your essay. Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly to the next and that ideas are clearly linked.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and well-stated, which provides a good backbone for the essay.
task achievement
The essay responds well to the task, addressing different perspectives on the issue.