IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

You have bought a new camera but when you got it home you found it had some problems.You returned the camera and spoke to the company representative a week ago but the camera has still not been repaired. Write a letter to the company. In your letter: •introduce yourself •explain the situation •say what action you would like the company to take

#camera #home #company #representative #week #•introduce #•explain #situation #•say #action
Dear Sir or Madam I am writing to
complaint
Replace the word
complain
show examples
 about
camera
Add an article
the camera
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 to the
company
. I have recently bought
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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camera
.When
,
Remove the comma
apply
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I brought it home, the
camera
 wasn'
t
 working.I found it had some problems.
Also
,I am
applied
Wrong verb form
applying
show examples
 to the
company
.
Firstly
, My name is Komosh. I am sixteen years old. I am
student
Add an article
a student
show examples
.I am interested in photography.
Finally
,I bought a
camera
,
however
, the
camera
 didn'
t
 work, I was so surprised.I can'
t
 take pictures and it turns off automatically.
Next
Correct article usage
The next
show examples
 day, I visited your
company
, I returned it.
Secondly
,I went to the
company
 and gave my complaint. I talked to
worker
Add an article
the worker
a worker
show examples
, one of your representatives, who assured me that the
camera
 would be replaced within 48 But,I haven'
t
 heard from you for three days.When
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 I called her again, but, she told me
wait
Add the particle
to wait
show examples
 a few more days. I want to change the
camera
.I still believe in your
company
. Everyone can be wrong. I look forward to hearing from you. Yours faithfully. Komosh
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure to use appropriate linking words and avoid abrupt transitions. For example, 'Therefore' instead of 'Firstly' in some cases, and ensuring each paragraph flows logically into the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a single idea. For example, the introduction of yourself and your interest in photography could be placed in the same paragraph.
task achievement
The letter generally addresses all parts of the prompt but could be clearer in some areas. For example, specify the model of the camera and the exact nature of the defect.
task achievement
Maintain a formal tone throughout the letter. Avoid contractions like 'I can't'. Instead, use 'I cannot'.
greeting and closing
Your greeting and closing are appropriately formal and polite.
task achievement
You have made a clear attempt to explain the situation and provide a detailed account of your actions, which is good for task achievement.

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