IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Health services are a basic necessity. However, private companies have made them quite costly for ordinary individuals. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh its disadvantages?

#health #services #necessity #companies #individuals #care
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
 essay, I want to argue about
health
services
 especially private and costly ones. In the beginning,
health
 is necessary for
individuals
. To provide
health
, we have to take care of our
health
. The best way to maintain it is the
health
services
.
However
, those institutions do not
a
Add a missing verb
have a
show examples
balanced scale
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 means, the institutions that you have to get are flexible because of your income. Especially in capitalist states, citizens can get more
services
 with more
money
. The advantages of private
health
 care are remarkable and striking. On the one hand, the freedom of getting
services
 with their
money
 should be protected.
On the other hand
, people can provide private
services
 even with their low income
due to
insurance
.
Firstly
, We are living in a modern and liberal world. So, people have
freedom
Correct article usage
the freedom
show examples
 of choice to spend their
money
. Basic
health
services
 must provided by
health
 institutions and governments regardless of the citizens' income or conditions.
Besides
this
,
individuals
 who have enough
money
 to get better
hospice
Fix the agreement mistake
hospices
show examples
should take advantage of the better clinics.
Secondly
, one of the benefits of the modern world is
insurance
.
Due to
insurance
,
individuals
 can use better clinics without paying huge amounts of
money
.
Insurance
 and other systems are making an equalisation between rich and middle-income persons.
As a result
,
Health
services
 are a basic necessity.
However
, private companies have made them quite costly for ordinary
individuals
.
However
, as it said, the advantages of private
health
 care outweigh its disadvantages.
Submitted by ilyascanaltan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay touches on the key points but lacks depth in addressing the advantages and disadvantages of private health care. Consider elaborating on these points with more specific examples and clear comparisons.
coherence cohesion
Some ideas are repeated, and there are minor grammatical errors that affect the flow. Try refining your sentences for better clarity and enhancing your logical structure by using paragraphs effectively.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to clearly introduce your main points in the introduction and succinctly summarize them in the conclusion. This will provide better cohesion and clarity to your essay.
task achievement
The essay topic is addressed and there is a clear attempt to balance both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
There is a visible introduction, body, and conclusion structure, which helps the reader follow the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cutting-edge technology
  • highly skilled professionals
  • patient experience
  • outcomes
  • personalized care
  • healthcare practitioners
  • competition
  • standards
  • government burden
  • public funds
  • prohibitively expensive
  • disparities
  • profitability
  • over-treatment
  • neglect
  • non-profitable cases
  • ethical concerns
  • financial status
What to do next:
Look at other essays: