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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Write at least 250 words

#minutes #pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
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Some
indivuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 think that non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
, like
swimming
Add the comma(s)
swimming,
show examples
 should be
canceled
Change the spelling
cancelled
show examples
 from schools so that
children
Use synonyms
 can concentrate on the main
subjects
Use synonyms
 like math.
Also
Linking Words
 there
a
Add a missing verb
is a
show examples
lot of
pressure
Use synonyms
 on youth to succeed academically. I believe that physical education
classes
Use synonyms
 can help students
learning
Wrong verb form
learn
show examples
operation
Fix the agreement mistake
operations
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. Putting
pressure
Use synonyms
 on young people is not going to help them,
instead
Linking Words
of
Change preposition
apply
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that
Correct word choice
apply
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some of them are going to hate learning. Some of them do not want to be a doctor or engineers, maybe they can
success
Replace the word
succeed
show examples
 in another place.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 parents should learn how to make their
children
Use synonyms
 love schools.
For instance
Linking Words
, Elon Mask once
told
Verb problem
said
show examples
 that one of the main reasons that made him hate the school
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 that his parents were putting a lot of
pressure
Use synonyms
 on him. Removing Non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 can make school feel boring to some
children
Use synonyms
, because of two main reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, there is no fun in studying academic
subjects
Use synonyms
, so we should keep
classes
Use synonyms
 that can change
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
mood
Fix the agreement mistake
moods
show examples
 after
a long math
Correct the article-noun agreement
long math classes
a long math class
show examples
classes
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, some of them want to be a soccer player ,so by removing soccer
Use synonyms
classes
Add a comma
classes,
show examples
 they are not going to improve their skills.
For example
Linking Words
, Messi who is one the best players in the world , said that school helped him a lot in learning soccer. in conclusion, putting
pressure
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
 will not improve their academic level. removing
subjects
Use synonyms
 that can help them to change their mode is not a good idea, so we can just reduce the hours of physical
subjects
Use synonyms
 to the students who need more help.
Submitted by khalidashgar23 on

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clarity
Ensure clarity in expressing your ideas. The sentence 'I believe that physical education classes can help students learning operation.' is somewhat unclear and could be rephrased for better understanding.
examples
Enhance specificity and relevance of examples. For instance, instead of mentioning 'Elon Musk once told that...', you could provide more specific information or a quote.
development
Ensure all points are fully developed. Some ideas are introduced but not fully explained or supported with evidence. Expanding on these points would boost your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear opinion on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, providing a coherent structure.
task achievement
The essay makes relevant points about the importance of non-academic subjects, offering a balanced perspective on the issue.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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