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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The given two pie charts display the results of a survey into the popularity of various leisure activities with European adults in 1985 and 1995.

The given two pie charts display the results of a survey into the popularity of various leisure activities with European adults in 1985 and 1995.
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The pie charts below compare the proportion of different leisure
activities
Use synonyms
 engaged in by mature people in Europe between 1985 and 1995.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is noticeable that watching TV was the primary activity in both years among
adults
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, we can see that mature individuals in 1985 enjoyed with less more
activities
Use synonyms
 than in 1995.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in 1985, European
adults
Use synonyms
 loved watching TV
medias
Fix the agreement mistake
media
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 more than other actions spending 32% of
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
the time
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. The second place was the eating out with the result of 23%,
whereas
Linking Words
 people spent just 21 % of their
time
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
apply
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talking with their friends.
Linking Words
Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
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 the survey results illustrated that European
adults
Use synonyms
 enjoyed talking with family
such
Linking Words
 as when dinner
time
Use synonyms
 and so on which consists just 18% of
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 , and the other 6 per cent were other things the
adults
Use synonyms
 were doing. In 1995, there were
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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much more leisure
activities
Use synonyms
 which old people loved to do.
Likewise
Linking Words
, watching TV required 30% of
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
the time
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, which means that it was
also
Linking Words
 one of the major actions that
adults
Use synonyms
 liked. Talking with friends and family
also
Linking Words
 existed at that moment consisting of respectively 26% and 7% of
whole
Add an article
the whole
show examples
time
Use synonyms
. The newer activity was playing computer games with 27% which is rare among
adults
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, the penultimate activity was eating, on which
adults
Use synonyms
 spent only 8 per cent of their
time
Use synonyms
, significantly lower than before, with older
adults
Use synonyms
 spending only 2 per cent on other
activities
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by talgattan4ez on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words activities, adults, time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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