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Band 5.5

Today many young people spend too much of thier free time at shopping malls.This can be considered negative for young people and society generally.To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement.

#people #thier #time #malls #society
These days many teenagers spend a lot of their own free
time
 shopping in malls and
this
 can be recognized as negative for young people and society.I agree with
this
 belief
due to
time
 consumed on shopping
instead
 of doing other significant
things
 .
To begin
 with, teenagers should organise their free
time
 on many significant
things
. To illustrate,
this
 period of their life or their free
time
 should spent on
things
 that can aid their life and enhance their health and personality.
Such
 as practising sports to strengthen their muscles at
this
 age,focusing on their study or work to develop their future and spending
time
 with family and friends to share ideas and improve relationships.
Moreover
,shopping extravagantly can lead to financial issues for individuals and many people spend their money on inconsequential and expensive
things
 they do not need like luxurious clothes or jewellery.
For example
, many young girls are willing to pay 2000 dollars for a T-shirt
that is
 made by a famous brand only to show it to their friends.
In addition
, many malls are attractive to the young because there are a rising number of fast food restaurants in them where they sell loads of unhealthy food.
To conclude
,l believe that teenagers should spend less
time
 in shopping malls because it can have a negative impact on them
as well as
 on society as a whole.
Submitted by bashayeralamer on

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task achievement
Support your points with more specific examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing the negative impacts of shopping on personality development, provide a detailed example or a research finding to support your statement.
coherence cohesion
Include transition words and phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas. Consider using phrases like 'Additionally', 'Furthermore', or 'In contrast' to link your ideas smoothly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument effectively.
task achievement
You have successfully outlined several key points supporting your stance, which is crucial for a balanced task response.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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