IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think that people should use fresh water as much as they need, while others believe that the use of fresh water should be regulated strictly by the government. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #water #government
It goes without saying that every human being in the world has an enormous desire to be attractive, gorgeous and of course look young. Nowadays, we have a tendency among
individuals
 in senior age, who spend a lot of money in order to
change
 their
appearance
 considerably. Let me examine both sides of
this
 issue before making a concrete decision about the ramifications of
this
 trend. First and foremost, we live in the 21st century and undoubtedly it provides us with a multitude of privileges in comparison with our ancestors. If citizens of urban and cosmopolitan places have thoughts and intentions to
change
 their bodies or
face
Correct subject-verb agreement
faces
show examples
due to
 their dissatisfaction with it, they can easily visit plastic surgeons and they will
change
 their
overall
 look noticeably. As we know, the expenditures of
individuals
 for visiting qualified and professional specialists cost a lot of money and they can even take out a loan. Obviously, there are a multitude of circumstances why exactly
individuals
 disburse a considerable amount of cash. To cite an example, citizens cannot accept the fact of changing
appearance
 with getting older. It leads to psychological problems like anxiety, depression and unending comparison with other
individuals
 who look younger. As evidence,
according to
 the American Society of Plastic Surgeons even if
individuals
 look pretty they want to do injections of botox, blepharoplasty, rhinoplasty, abdominoplasty and others.
Last
, but not least there are a lot of predictable beneficial and negative consequences of spending money to
change
appearance
. Some people cannot stop doing surgery and trying new procedures on them.
Subsequently
, their facial transformations lead to drastic and overwhelmingly unaltered changes with which they lose their identity as human beings and their self-perception will suffer.
However
, if inhabitants pay attention to their
appearance
, health and tiny changes in their bodies it can be a magnificent way to avoid a feeling of old age.
For instance
,
individuals
 will visit fitness clubs, spa procedures
as well as
 cosmetologists and they will look fresh and younger.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
The essay presents a general introduction to the topic but lacks a clear and direct response to the question. Be sure to explicitly mention both the viewpoints on water usage and provide your opinion in the introduction.
task achievement
The ideas are generally clear but can be more comprehensive. Try to explore each viewpoint in more depth to provide a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly. Although some logical structure is present, certain points appear disconnected from the main argument. Consider linking ideas more seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from a stronger conclusion that clearly summarizes the discussion and states the final opinion. This will tie the essay together and reinforce the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-defined structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which creates a coherent flow of information.
task achievement
Relevant examples and details such as psychological impacts and statistics from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons add depth to the argument and make it more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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