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Band 5.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
In
this
 modern world, most
people
 listen to
music
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
Hence
, some
people
 think that
music
 can bring
people
 of different
ages
 together. I totally agree that
music
 can unite
people
different
Change preposition
of different
show examples
 cultures and
ages
 In
this
 essay, I will discuss how
music
 can enhance bonding and group collaboration.
To begin
 with,
music
 can build bridges between
people
's
emotions
, they will feel similar
emotions
 when they listen to that
music
.
For example
, at
concerts
Add a comma
concerts,
show examples
 the audience screams, jumps and sings along, and they have the same emotional reaction
such
 as joy, empathy or nostalgia to produce a common connection. It is a sense of solidarity that transcends
ages
 and languages.
Therefore
,
music
 is an art that can move most
people
's
emotions
. So, it
is highly agree
Change the verb form
is highly agreed
show examples
 that they go to the concert to feel united and enjoy positive
emotions
.
Secondly
, exposure to different musical styles can promote collaboration among musicians.
For example
, guitarists and percussionists exchange their musical instruments to collaborate to experiment with different rhythm
pattern
Fix the agreement mistake
patterns
show examples
,
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
improve their skills and exchange practical knowledge about
music
, which allows them to find new
music
.
Thus
,
this
 allows
people
 who like different
music
 styles to work together.
As a result
,
music
 can bring
people
 of different cultures and
ages
 together to discuss different styles of
music
. In conclusion,
music
 is a wonderful art that most
people
 like.
Accordingly
, it can promote bonding and group coordination. I recommend that musicians should create more new
music
 to attract more
people
 to listen to
music
.
Submitted by hanz.hyz326 on

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general
Your ideas are clear and on topic, but be careful of small grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasings (e.g., 'most people listen to music everyday' should be 'every day').
task achievement
Enhance the depth of your examples. For instance, explain how the exchange of musical instruments tangibly impacts cultural understanding and collaboration.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly supports the main thesis. The second paragraph could further emphasize how shared emotions in music create a stronger bond across cultures and ages.
coherence cohesion
Improve cohesion by using more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas within and between paragraphs.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction is clear and sets the framework for the essay nicely.
supported main points
You successfully discuss how music can unite people, illustrating with relevant points and examples.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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