Write an essay of 250 words on the topic below. You have 30 minutes. ( May 2023) People are working harder and longer hours in our modern society. That means they are also earning more money for themselves and their families. But does this lead to a happier society? Why, or why not? Discuss your ideas and support them with reasons and examples
In modern days,
people
always seek for
Change preposition
apply
the
happiness. Correct article usage
apply
As a result
, it is very common that
Correct word choice
for
people
want
to earn more money by working harder. I side Fix the infinitive
to want
those
who feel that money Change preposition
with those
could not
buy happiness. Wrong verb form
cannot
Moreover
, it could lead another
problem that Change preposition
to another
make
them more suffer, so in Change the verb form
makes
this
essay
I will elaborate Add a comma
essay,
my
argument for two main reasons.
Change preposition
on my
Firstly
, every person in this
world has their own limit. Working with
longer hours could make them feel tired and exhausted. Change preposition
apply
People
will get anxiety, mental issues, health
problems because they Correct word choice
and health
could not
have enough rest. They just pretend everything Wrong verb form
cannot
are
under Change the verb form
is
the
control, Correct article usage
apply
while
their body are
dropped gradually. What Change the verb form
is
people
can do if they are unhealthy, they just make trouble for the other. This
is not the result that people
want.
Secondly
, spending a lot of time
to
work means sacrificing our Change preposition
at
time
. By working to
much, it is hard to maintain our relationship with the other. Replace the word
too
Conversely
, working with enough time
can result for
Change preposition
in
good
relationship. We only have 24 hours per day, 7 days per week, and 365 per Add an article
a good
years
, with Fix the agreement mistake
year
this
limited amount of time
, we should spare some time
for our relatives. Doing activities such
as hiking, shopping, painting
with our Correct word choice
and painting
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
one
must be the goal that we aim
In conclusion, there are so many benefits if Fix the agreement mistake
ones
people
not to
overwork Fix the infinitive
apply
such
as having a healthier life and maintaining our relationship with the other. I firmly believe that happier
society Correct article usage
a happier
is not come
from money.Change to the active voice
does not come
has not come
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task achievement
To strengthen your essay, consider adding more specific examples and evidence to support your points. For instance, mention studies or real-life instances demonstrating the negative effects of overworking on health and relationships.
coherence and cohesion
Aim to further develop the logical flow of your arguments. Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next and that all points are clearly linked back to your main thesis.
coherence and cohesion
Work on expanding your introductory and concluding sentences. A slightly more detailed introduction can set the stage better, while a more comprehensive conclusion can effectively summarize your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to grammar and sentence structure to enhance readability. Also, be careful with word choices to avoid awkward phrasing or repetition, which slightly impairs clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs that each tackle a distinct point, contributing to the overall structure.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage by stating your stance clearly, and the conclusion wraps up your arguments convincingly.
task achievement
You make a compelling argument by highlighting the potential drawbacks of overworking through logical reasoning and supporting ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example