IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

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Due to
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 the long working hours these days,
people
Use synonyms
 have less and less time to relax and unwind. I believe the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
While
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 working from dawn to dusk may offer a lot of money, in the long run, it will foster boredom, depression, and hopelessness. In the chaotic world of today,
people
Use synonyms
 are always in a rush to achieve their life and financial goals faster.
Thus
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, they oblige themselves to rest less and be eager beavers to reach financial freedom at a faster pace.
Moreover
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,
this
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 method might work temporarily and help
people
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 achieve what they really desire.
For instance
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, a millionaire like Bill Gates established his first company by working 120 hours a week for 8 months.
In contrast
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, putting extraneous exertion permanently is definitely harmful.
Although
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 those
people
Use synonyms
 who believe that working hard might give them more freedom, the drawbacks will
consequently
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 influence all aspects of their lives. A prime example is the time when money becomes our life priority, ignoring our mental
as well as
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 physical health. Not only going on holiday, listening to music, or simply watching TV could hinder job burnout and boredom, but it can
also
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 tackle the issue of depression which might be really dangerous if it lasts for long. Research on the employees of a programming company in 2012 in Iran revealed that making a balance between leisure time and job increases the level of dopamine in our brains, improving productivity and efficiency. In conclusion, spending longer hours at work may bring wealth to our lives.
Consequently
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, it makes us bored, depressed, and hopeless sooner than expected, leaving us with a dull dark life.

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic well and provides a clear stance that the disadvantages of working long hours outweigh the advantages. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion of the possible advantages before moving on to the disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of the essay is mostly clear, but there are a few areas where the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using more linking words and phrases to enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples, such as the reference to Bill Gates and the research study from Iran, which help to reinforce the main points.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effective and clearly show the main argument of the essay, offering a solid structure.
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