IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #work #hours #time #leisure #activities #situation #reason
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People
 have different views as to whether many individuals should
work
 long
hours
 and spare a little
time
 for their hobbies. In my perspective, despite some
people
declare
Wrong verb form
declaring
show examples
 that
this
 approach provides more benefits, I firmly believe that it brings about many more drawbacks. On the one hand, it is commonly believed in various cultures that
people
 should
work
 long
hours
 without worrying about leisure activities for three reasons. One of the major factors is higher incomes, which is essential for those
people
 since they need the money to cover their daily expenses
such
 as tuition fees, food, and transportation costs.
Moreover
, working long
hours
 is a shortcut to career advancement because there is evidence that those workers in Asia tend to get promoted faster compared to the others.
Lastly
, it directly enhances workers' skills and experiences. To be more precise, they will face many tasks and challenges than other employees since they
work
 for longer
hours
.
On the other hand
, there are two aspects why we should not only focus on
work
 and forget about other activities. The first contributing factor is mental and physical health. In terms of mental health, working long
hours
 without free
time
 can cause stress, pressure, and burnout for workers.
Furthermore
, with regard to physical health, spending
time
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
work
 without exercise promotes sedentary activities, leading to a variety of diseases
such
 as obesity and cardiovascular.
In addition
, it affects relationship strain as there will be less
time
 with families and friends. In conclusion,
although
 there are some advantages for those who
work
 long
hours
, I am convinced that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits.
Submitted by pandin21 on

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task achievement
Your essay has a clear structure with a strong introduction and conclusion. However, incorporating more specific examples could strengthen your arguments.
relevant specific examples
Ensure that your examples are directly relevant to the points you make. This will make your argument more convincing and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured and logically organized, making it easy to follow your arguments.
introduction conclusion present
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which adequately frame your essay.
supported main points
Your main points are supported and you have maintained a coherent argument throughout.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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