IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #information #research #business #world
There are some arguments about sharing
information
 freely. Some
people
 think that it is a good idea to give all
information
 in hand in any section to other
people
while
 others believe that sharing
this
information
 is not a good idea. I personally believe that some
information
 is too important to be shared freely. On the one hand, sharing data about business, research, and
academic
Correct article usage
the academic
show examples
 world, may help
people
 who need it but do not have the
acesses
Correct your spelling
accesses
access
 to it.
For example
 every day,
univerity
Correct your spelling
university
 students around the world need updated
information
 and other kinds of articles but have limits in
expending
Verb problem
spending
show examples
money
. Not all of the students can afford to buy
information
.
Furthermore
 , for new businesses like every startup reaching
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a database is a key that allows them to succeed
For instance
 a business which is selling shoes, by using databases can easily find its target group and avoid wasting
money
 on non-potential customers.
On the other hand
, some of the
information
 is too valuable to be shared freely. Huge
labratoaties
Correct your spelling
laboratories
 around the world are spending thousands and even
milions
Correct your spelling
millions
 of dollars on some
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
 and just by selling them they can replace the
money
 they've spent.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 during the COVID-19 pandemic the amount of
money
 which governments invested
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 finding the cure, could be only replaced by selling it.
Furthermore
, some
people
 misuse important data.
For example
, too important
informationabout
Correct your spelling
information about
 a system may lead rivals to overuse them and cause the failure of the Company. In conclusion,
although
 some
people
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that
information
 should be shared freely, in my opinion, some data is too valuable to be shared with the public.
Submitted by esmaheidari on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and flows smoothly from one to the next. This will enhance the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and elaborate on them to support your main points better.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, clearly stating the topic and summarizing your position.
complete response
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a complete understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • information sharing
  • scientific research
  • business
  • academic world
  • advancement of knowledge
  • progress
  • collaboration
  • cross-disciplinary research
  • open access
  • democratization of information
  • transparency
  • credibility
  • intellectual property
  • security concerns
  • commercial interests
What to do next:
Look at other essays: