IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Write about the following topic. Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or is the price of their fame an invasion into their private life? Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#topic #people #media #privacy #price #fame #invasion #life
In
this
 era of
showbiz
Add a comma
showbiz,
show examples
 we often encounter incidents, where famous faces are followed by media
personals
Replace the word
personnel
show examples
 all the
time
. It is a matter of debate
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
whether it is a positive development or not. But, in my
viewpoint
Add a comma
viewpoint,
show examples
 it is a negative outcome of their fame and they must be given space to lead a normal
life
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the points to back my stance are elaborated in
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
 paragraphs.
To begin
 with, those who
advocates
Correct subject-verb agreement
advocate
show examples
 that famous personalities should accept
this
 violation of their private space
argues
Correct subject-verb agreement
argue
show examples
 that the stars have chased fame their entire
life
 and now when star persons are getting attention from
press
Add an article
the press
show examples
, they must feel happy about it.
However
,
this
 thought process is not justified at all because ultimately they are normal humans like us and everyone must respect their privacy.
On the other hand
, the continuous chase from the reporters is a mere violation of
basic
Correct article usage
the basic
show examples
principals
Correct your spelling
principles
show examples
 of our society.
This
 scrutiny from
media
Correct article usage
the media
show examples
 does not allow
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous people to enjoy their
time
, which they usually do not get easily, because they
under
Add a missing verb
are under
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much
Correct word choice
a heavy
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 workload. To illustrate,
according to
Change preposition
apply
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an article published in a leading newspaper suggests that famous people hesitate to
rome
Correct your spelling
come
Rome
 out freely because they are under surveillance all the
time
. Indeed,
this
 should not happen, everyone must respect
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
show examples
 private
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to strengthen our social vows. Adding more to it,
this
 continuous chase may lead to horrifying incidents. Famous faces in order to, dodge the press use different means like
over speeding
Correct your spelling
overspeeding
show examples
 their vehicles
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 sometimes
ended
Wrong verb form
ending
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 up being a accident victim.
For example
,
princess
Capitalize word
Princess
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 Diana lost her
life
 in
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 car crash in Paris and reports suggest that at the
time
 of
Add an article
the crash
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crash
Add a comma
crash,
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 the driver was overspeeding the car in order to get rid of reporters, who were chasing them.
Therefore
, famous people must be given enough space so that they can live with some ease. In the end, it is right to say everything comes with a cost and
this
 holds true for fame
also
, but it is not justified to snatch someone's privacy and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
put him in a
life or death
Add a hyphen
life-or-death
show examples
 situation, rather everyone must respect others privacy, after-all humans are social animals
Submitted by mrsdns on

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task response
The essay provides a clear stance on the issue but could benefit from a more balanced discussion of both views. Consider dedicating more space to explaining why some believe that media attention is a reasonable price for fame and then provide counterarguments.
coherence cohesion
To strengthen the logical structure, consider making each paragraph's main point clearer and ensure that each idea flows smoothly into the next. Some paragraphs contain multiple points which might confuse the reader. Use clear topic sentences.
task response
Provide more specific examples to support your assertions. General statements without supporting evidence are less persuasive. Integrating more varied examples could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear conclusion that reiterates the main point, contributing to a sense of completeness.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the issue and states a clear viewpoint, engaging the reader from the beginning.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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