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Band 4

young people who commit crime should be treated as adult who commit crime ? to xetent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crime #adult #xetent
Juvenile offenders should not be treated as adult criminals. I disagree with the statement because of the following reasons. Youngsters are not
mature
Rephrase
as mature
show examples
 as their counterparts,
peer-pressure
Correct your spelling
peer pressure
show examples
 is high among them, and
transformation
Correct article usage
the transformation
show examples
 of behaviours in
teen
Fix the agreement mistake
teens
show examples
 is easy. Primarily, young people’s brain is not fully developed in comparison to mature
person
Fix the agreement mistake
persons
show examples
 as the former are still in
transitioning
Correct article usage
the transitioning
show examples
 phase to be an adult,
as a
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
show examples
 juvenile offenders
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not have any idea why they commit a crime.
For instance
, young criminals are often interviewed about the crime and
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 responded, “
they
Capitalize word
They
show examples
 did the dumbest thing or have no idea why it was committed”.
Additionally
,
peer-pressure
Correct your spelling
peer pressure
show examples
 is a driving force to commit a crime because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
 that age group, these individuals look for acceptance, search for identity, and imitate
behaviour
Add an article
the behaviour
show examples
 of friends, they are often naïve, and lack experience.
Moreover
, child abuse, poverty,
intimate
Correct word choice
and intimate
show examples
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
contributes
Correct subject-verb agreement
contribute
show examples
 to criminal activity and these factors should be considered when
deal
Change the verb form
dealing
show examples
 with them.
Moreover
, young offenders’ behaviour can be transformed easily in comparison to older, they lack guidance, if proper guidance
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 given by the people in authority, I will help them to change
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 behaviours.
Nonetheless
, in Puran jail, 2016 sports, religious study, and counselling
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 introduced to young people,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 impact of these
reduced
Add a missing verb
was reduced
show examples
 to
return
Correct article usage
the return
show examples
 of people coming back to jail. In conclusion, above mentioned reasons should be taken into consideration and should not
be compare
Change the verb form
be compared
show examples
 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older criminals when it comes to treatment.
Submitted by ali695313 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, ensure each idea flows smoothly to the next and that paragraphs connect more clearly.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your points, which would strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Some sentences are a bit unclear or awkwardly phrased; polishing your sentences will improve clarity and comprehension.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your essay well.
task achievement
You have identified and discussed relevant factors related to juvenile crime, which shows good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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