IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

When a new town is planned, it is more important to develop public parks and sport facilitates than shopping centers for people to spend their free time in. Agree or disagree?

#town #parks #sport #centers #people #time
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Modern architecture has concentrated on a lot of human aspects.
Therefore
, most
people
 find the government should take into account creating public parks and
sports
centers
Change the spelling
centres
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instead
 of shopping
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 to be able to spend their leisure
time
 there. I lean towards both aspects
due to
 a varied species of mentality. On the one hand, developed countries that are aware of the population should focus on the infrastructure to support
people
 to release negative feelings
according to
 life conditions. especially, building
sports
 Facilities
such
 as a gym venue and big space of gardens with
sports
 devices to let
people
 breathe.
In addition
, mandatory the companies to sort the
sports
 corners in places where employees work more than 9 hours, letting them exercise in break
time
 to rejuvenate.
For example
, renowned companies work to provide a suitable environment for employees to be able to innovate and creativity like Google and Tesla.
On the other hand
. Focusing on the shopping
center
Change the spelling
centre
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 is
also
 a crucial thing because of the diversity of
people
 for recreation and entertainment their free
time
 is different a lot of
people
 go shopping and purchase new clothes and expenses money reveals their happiness.
Moreover
, the shopping
centers
Change the spelling
centres
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 have to contain a games place to help families keep their children there during the shopping period to imitate pressure and enjoy their
time
.
thus
, the government should balance
in
Change preposition
apply
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all aspects of
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
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 that will help
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 to creativity.
To sum up
, I firmly believe that all countries should concentrate on both sides to lead
people
 to do their hobbies.
Submitted by ahmedom3991 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task, but it would benefit from more elaboration and balance. It seems slightly one-sided, leaning towards both aspects rather than specifying a clear preference. Try to provide a more clearly defined stance in your introduction and consistently support it throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
The main ideas are generally clear, but some sentences lack clarity and coherence. Ensure every paragraph contains topic sentences that relate directly back to your thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Some parts of your essay are somewhat unclear due to grammar and word choice issues. Make sure to proofread and refine your sentences for better clarity and coherence. Example: The sentence ‘modern architecture has concentrated on a lot of human aspects’ can be clearer and more specific.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, focus on using clear transitions between your paragraphs and within your ideas. This will help create a logical flow in your essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, which shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, creating a complete essay structure.
task achievement
The examples of Google and Tesla show an effort to provide real-life examples to support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Quality of life
  • Physical and mental well-being
  • Lifestyle-related diseases
  • Social interaction
  • Community building
  • Environmental sustainability
  • Urban heat island effects
  • Accessibility
  • Inclusiveness
  • Health benefits
  • Obesity
  • Cardiovascular conditions
  • Economic benefits
  • Tourists
  • Healthcare costs
  • Productivity
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