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Band 5.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together . To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#people #music #cultures #ages
According to
 some
people
's statements,
music
 plays an efficient role in gathering human beings
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different
cultures
 and
ages
. I completely agree with
this
 opinion because
music
 can be considered an international
language
 and
also
 It has a calming effect on individuals
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different
ages
. Each tune stems from one's heart, and it is likely a universal
language
 understood by all human kinds. In that case, all of the
people
 with different
cultures
 would distinguish sad
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 from happy ones despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their lyrics. As different
rythms
Correct your spelling
rhythms
 need various types of
instruments
, composers may incorporate musical
instruments
 from different
cultures
. These
instruments
, originating from the human heart, showed that the cultural backgrounds of the
instruments
 used in making a song
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not matter. Take a world tour of a singer as an example where all the
people
 from diverse
cultures
 gather in a unique place
for listening
Change preposition
to listen
show examples
 to some
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
foreign
language
 lyrics. But audiences would perceive the joint
language
 called notes of
music
. The flow of
music
 can grab
people
 of all
ages
. Probably
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of human beings find
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 extremely peaceful as songs are one of the required facilities for doing meditation. The rest full
follow off
Verb problem
follow-up
show examples
music
 can captivate the attention of
people
 Of all
ages
, from infants to elderly individuals. Listening to
musics
Fix the agreement mistake
music
show examples
 helps
people
 of all
ages
 release their stress and become calm.
For example
, looking at an infant become calm and silent from a mother's singing can demonstrate the peacefulness of
music
.
Therefore
 , the calming effects of
music
 ,which
attract
Correct subject-verb agreement
attracts
show examples
people
 of all
ages
, and brings so many audiences
for listening
Change preposition
to listen
show examples
 to
music
 are undeniable. In conclusion,
music
 is a good way
for bringing
Change preposition
to bring
show examples
 individuals with differences in
cultures
 and
ages
 because
music
 is a joint
language
also
 it affects humans
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 varied
ages
 in a peaceful way, so I do agree with the mentioned statement.
Submitted by ghorabibita on

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task achievement
The ideas presented are clear but could be more comprehensive. Try to expand each point with more detailed explanations and examples.
coherence cohesion
While the essay follows a logical structure, some sentences could be better linked. Use transition words to improve the flow.
task achievement
The examples provided are good, but they could be more specific and relevant to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Proofread and refine your language for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the essay.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well-supported and relevant to the topic.
task achievement
The essay offers thoughtful ideas and perspectives on how music can unite people of different cultures and ages.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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