IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, it is illegal for companies to reject job applicants for their age. Is this a positive or negative development?

#countries #companies #job #applicants #age #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
As far as I am concerned, it is prohibited in companies to deny job applications
due to
Linking Words
 applicants' ages. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, as with choosing
age
Use synonyms
 discrimination, companies lose enhancing
workforce
Use synonyms
 diversity and employees with a wide range of capabilities and experience. Companies ought to acknowledge and utilize the abilities of older candidates, as they spent years developing skills
such
Linking Words
 as problem-solving, industry-specific expertise, and mentorship abilities can be major assets in driving organizational success.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, older employees often bring vast experience and knowledge, that are frequently overlooked because of exceeding stereotypes of older workers, who are considered less adjustable or tech-savvy. Probing ahead,
workforce
Use synonyms
 variety is not just about race, gender or sexual orientation, it is
also
Linking Words
 about
age
Use synonyms
.
Vary
Verb problem
A vast
show examples
workforce
Use synonyms
 comprises a mix of young and senior workers - it can foster plenty of approaches for problem solutions and ideas for new developments. What I mean is prohibiting
age
Use synonyms
 discrimination leads to
coexistence
Add an article
the coexistence
show examples
 of various viewpoints and stimulating innovations.
To sum up
Linking Words
, outlawing
age
Use synonyms
 discrimination in hiring is a positive development, leading to a more equitable
workforce
Use synonyms
,
enhances
Wrong verb form
enhancing
show examples
 diversity, and
leverages
Wrong verb form
leveraging
show examples
 the vast experience of older workers.
Submitted by Amir Rustamov on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay clearly presents the idea that prohibiting age discrimination is beneficial. However, providing specific examples to support your points would strengthen your argument. Examples from real-world scenarios or statistics can make your points more relatable and compelling.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-structured and presents its points logically. However, improving the transitions between paragraphs can enhance the flow of your argument. Using linking phrases like 'Moreover,' 'On the other hand,' or 'In addition,' will make your arguments clearer and more connected.
task achievement
Your introduction is clear and sets up the main argument effectively. It gives a good preview of what your essay will discuss.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong conclusion that summarizes your argument well. It reinforces the points made in the body of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs are well-organized, each focusing on a single idea that is central to your argument. This helps in maintaining clarity and coherence throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • age diversity
  • combat age discrimination
  • job opportunities
  • experienced individuals
  • vast knowledge
  • suboptimal hiring decisions
  • legal compliance
  • reverse discrimination
  • operational costs
  • health insurance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: