IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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Some people tell
children
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 that they can do everything if they try hard enough. In
this
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message
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, there are both advantages and disadvantages.
Firstly
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,
this
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message
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 is cheerful and hopeful. Some
children
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 who
are
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apply
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lack
of
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apply
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confidence tend to underrate their
ability
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abilities
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. These kinds of
children
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 tend to not face challenges and just want to avoid the situation.
However
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,
this
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message
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 tells them that you can do whatever you want. It makes
children
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 take the first step and makes
children
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 experience challenges. In addition, there is no excuse
in
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for
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this
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message
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. It represents if you did not make it, it is because you did not try your best. What you can do is try harder. It pushes up
children
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's limits and they can make their best performances in the end. Eventually, they can make unexpected results. There are many positive effects in
this
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message
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however
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 there are still negative sides.
This
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message
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 could make
children
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 guilty and it could make bad results. As I mentioned above,
this
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message
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 includes the meaning that if you did not make it, it is because you did not try your best.
However
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, in failure, there are a variety of reasons and sometimes it is not our fault.
This
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message
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 makes
children
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 only blame themselves and let them down.
In addition
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, it blocks them
to find
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from finding
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 real reasons why they failed. If they did not find the actual reasons
then
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 they
will
Wrong verb form
would
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 never overcome
in
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apply
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similar situations.
Moreover
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, it
gives
Verb problem
creates
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 a huge pressure and stress. If people keep pushing up
children
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 with
this
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message
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, it will cause worse performances eventually.

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task response
Your essay responds properly to the task, but it could benefit from a clearer and more organized structure. Try having distinct paragraphs for each point you make.
task response
While the main points are clear, adding more specific examples would strengthen your arguments. For instance, mention a particular situation where this message was helpful or harmful.
coherence and cohesion
The essay should conclude with a summary of the main points discussed and a statement that ties back to the prompt. Currently, the essay ends somewhat abruptly.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one. Transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
task response
The essay addresses the advantages and disadvantages as required by the prompt, giving a balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
Your points are clear and elaborated with sufficient detail to make understanding easy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
What to do next:
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