IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#university #students #subjects #addition #time #attention #qualification
Many
people
 have
their
Change the word
an
show examples
 interest
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 learning about different factors rather than focusing only on their studies,
while
 some of them believe
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 getting
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 percentage
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their university degrees. In my opinion, both of these statements are partially true as getting extra
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
 can help individuals in future, in case they cannot do good
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
study fields
Replace the word
studies
show examples
, and
those
Change the determiner
that knowledge
show examples
knowledge
 can be beneficial for
day to
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
day
 life,
nevertheless
, concentrating on educational achievements will help them to master on their area of work. It is not necessary for a
person
 to have the best life after immense focus on their educational sector. In
this
 competitive era
people
 might not get
expected
Correct article usage
the expected
show examples
 chances to work
according to
 their efficiency, but if they have some extra
knowledge
, they can always go with
second
Change the article
the second
show examples
 option.
For instance
, studying journalism does not make a
person
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 best journalist, because of the market environment, but if he has
knowledge
 about
share
Correct article usage
the share
show examples
 market
also
,
then
 they definitely can invest
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 it and earn extra income.The
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
, like electricians, plumbers,
cooking
Correct word choice
and cooking
show examples
; learnt by one can
also
 be used
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
day to
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
day
 lives.
Nevertheless
, if
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 full interest
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their study area and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 full faith
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 them; it is best to focus on their studies.
For example
, Doctor Ruit from Nepal
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 had
vision
Add an article
a vision
the vision
show examples
 of working with
people
 who have lost their eyesight, and he studied and researched
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
 field. Now he is
well-known
Correct article usage
a well-known
show examples
 doctor worldwide for the work he has done. In conclusion, whether focusing on
educational
Correct article usage
an educational
show examples
 degree can lead to
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 future
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 few
people
, the extra
knowledge
learn
Wrong verb form
learned
show examples
 by a
person
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
show examples
 time can
also
benefits
Change the verb form
benefit
show examples
 them.
Submitted by sarumanandhar36 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the task requirements by discussing both views and giving your opinion clearly. However, try to develop your ideas further and provide more specific examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear structure with well-organized paragraphs. The introduction could be more compelling, and the conclusion should summarize the key points more effectively. Try to work on smoother transitions between paragraphs.
language
Pay attention to grammar and word choice to avoid minor errors. For instance, instead of 'Many people have their interest on learning,' use 'Many people are interested in learning.' This will make your writing more polished.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced discussion of both views, which demonstrates a good understanding of the topic. Your opinion is clearly stated and supported.
coherence cohesion
You have included relevant examples to illustrate your points, such as the example of the journalist with knowledge about the share market.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your stance, which provides closure to the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Broaden
  • Perspectives
  • Specialize
  • Critical thinking
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Career success
  • Interdisciplinary connections
  • Structured path
  • Clear goals
  • Creativity
  • Innovation
  • Academic credibility
  • Recognition
  • Balance
  • Exploring
What to do next:
Look at other essays: