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Band 5

Countries with a longer average working day are more likely to be economically successful, but may suffer from negative social consequences as a result. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views?

#countries #consequences
There is no doubt, that many countries choose a long average working
day
. I agree, that the decision increases the possibility for a state to be more
economicaly
Correct your spelling
economically
economical
 successful.
However
, I
also
 will not argue that the phenomenon leads to negative social consequences, which will be described in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, a
work
shedulle
Correct your spelling
schedule
, where an employee has to
work
 a lot, makes a company more competitive in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 market.
This
 is because a worker may produce more, decreasing
overall
Correct article usage
the overall
show examples
 net costs of a product.
Moreover
,
such
Correct article usage
a schedulle
show examples
schedulle
Correct your spelling
schedule
 ensures faster elaborating of goods, which could
also
 be
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 advantage in competition with other enterprises.
For instance
, China has significantly developed their industry in the light of 10 hours per
day
 working in many
Chinise
Correct your spelling
Chinese
 companies. It is hard to deny,
tha Chinise
Correct your spelling
that Chinese
 firms can not only manufacture cheap products but
also
 can
desine
Correct your spelling
design
, produce, and deliver
in
Correct pronoun usage
them in
show examples
 a short period of time.
As a result
, social
ecomomies
Correct your spelling
economies
economics
 with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
few
work
 hours per
day
 may
loose
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 sales markets. Unfortunately, the phenomenon has drawbacks related to mental and physical health. It could
heppen
Correct your spelling
happen
 in situations when an overworked
individuals
Change the noun form
individual
show examples
 does not spend time with a family and
feel
Correct subject-verb agreement
feels
show examples
 guilty about it, in worst cases causing depression.
Furthermore
,
hardworkers
Correct your spelling
hard workers
 usually do not have any opportunities to do sports activities, which deteriorates the function of
human
Add an article
the human
show examples
 body. To illustrate
this
, in South Korea many people
work
 a lot,
sacrifising
Correct your spelling
sacrificing
 their
timespendings
Correct your spelling
time spendings
time spending
 with relatives.
As a result
, the country
hase
Correct your spelling
has
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 level of
suisides
Correct your spelling
suicides
 in the light of depressions. In conclusion, I would stick
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 my opinion that
although
 states with
aproximently
Rephrase
a significantly
show examples
 bigger number of
work
 hours per
day
 have more opportunities to make their
ecomomies
Correct your spelling
economies
 stronger because it raises their competitiveness, the negative outcome on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
also
 exists.
Submitted by sergeybelov83 on

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Grammar
Improve grammar and spelling accuracy. Errors like 'shedulle' instead of 'schedule', 'econonomy' instead of 'economy', etc., can be distracting.
Sentence Structure
Work on sentence structures to make them more varied and complex. This will make your arguments clearer and more engaging.
Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure to connect your sentences and paragraphs smoothly. Use cohesive devices effectively to lead the reader through your argument. For example, use transition words like 'therefore', 'in addition', etc.
Task Achievement
Ensure that the main points are explained in a bit more detail to fully develop your argument. Provide slightly more elaborate examples as well.
Grammar
Pay attention to article usage and plurals. Correct usage of 'a', 'an', and 'the' can enhance clarity.
Task Achievement
You have clearly stated your opinion in the introduction and conclusion, which is important for task achievement.
Task Achievement
Good use of specific examples, such as the references to China and South Korea, to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The main points are logically organized and easy to follow.
Task Achievement
Your essay covers both sides of the argument, addressing both economic benefits and social drawbacks, which shows a balanced perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • correlation
  • GDP (Gross Domestic Product)
  • detrimental
  • stress levels
  • strain
  • work-life balance
  • emerging economies
  • unsustainable growth
  • social unrest
  • productivity tools
  • government policies
  • social well-being
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