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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some people think that companies should provide employees with exercise time during the day. What is your opinion about this?

#people #companies #employees #exercise #time
In the context of corporative social
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
, the
porposal
Correct your spelling
proposal
of providing
sports
 and social
facilities
 by large
companies
 has garnered attention. I firmly believe ,
while
Correct word choice
that while
show examples
corporation
Fix the agreement mistake
corporations
show examples
 should invest
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
, it should not be
obligation
Add an article
an obligation
the obligation
show examples
 for
companies
.
Primerly
Correct your spelling
Primarily
, there is no doubt that investing in
sports
facilities
 can profoundly impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
healthier
Add an article
a healthier
show examples
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
and social
cohesive
Replace the word
cohesion
show examples
 of local communities.
By providing
Change preposition
Providing
show examples
sports
center
Fix the agreement mistake
centers
show examples
, gym equipment, social hub,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
encourges
Correct your spelling
encourages
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise which would
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for them as more and more people fit it
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 the costs of medical.
Moreover
, social clubs serve as venues for social interaction which would enhance
sense
Add an article
the sense
a sense
show examples
 of community and belonging of diverse
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of people.
Furthermore
, by providing these
facilities
 ,
company's
Correct article usage
the company's
show examples
 image would
be bolster
Change the verb form
be bolstered
show examples
 and bring brand
royality
Correct your spelling
loyalty
royalty
 among
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
.
In addition
, it is a good practice
donating
Change the verb form
to donate
show examples
 funds for public
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
.
However
, it should not
mandatory
Add a missing verb
be mandatory
show examples
 for
companies
 as their first
priorties
Correct your spelling
priorities
priority
 should be stakeholders, including shareholders and employees.
Campanies
Correct your spelling
Companies
should not be detracted
the
Change preposition
from the
show examples
 core objectives.
To conclude
, it is beneficial for both
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 and
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
 to invest money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
sports
facilities
 as it
makes
Verb problem
creates
show examples
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 reputation image
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
company
Add an article
the company
a company
show examples
 and healthier life for
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 but
companies
 should not
compromised
Change the verb form
compromise
show examples
 their
Correct your spelling
priorities
priorties
Correct your spelling
priorities
Submitted by amarbatth367 on

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grammar
Work on reducing grammatical and typographical errors to improve readability and professionalism. For example, correct 'porposal' to 'proposal' and 'primerly' to 'primarily.'
ideas
Introduce more specific examples to support your main points. This will make your argument more persuasive and comprehensive.
structure
Improve transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow. For instance, use phrases like 'Additionally,' or 'On the other hand,' to link ideas more clearly.
task response
The essay addresses the topic effectively by discussing both the benefits and potential downsides of companies providing exercise facilities.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and offers a balanced view on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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