IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country's police force or military force, such as the army, While others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #women #role #men #country #police #force #army #kinds #jobs
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Undoubtedly,
females
Use synonyms
 play vital roles in controlling crime or protecting against enemies in each country.
However
Linking Words
, some individuals think that
women
Use synonyms
 are not capable of being members of the military or
police
Use synonyms
force
Use synonyms
. I personally think that their roles in these sectors are definitely crucial. On the one hand, some believe that
females
Use synonyms
 must not be given to
work
Use synonyms
 in the
police
Use synonyms
force
Use synonyms
 or
army
Use synonyms
. One reason behind it is that
women
Use synonyms
 have less physical abilities than
men
Use synonyms
. Having genetic issues,
women
Use synonyms
 have less strong hormones as well and they are less capable of achieving their goals.
For example
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 can able to hold more than 60 to 70 kg of weight simultaneously than
women
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is why
men
Use synonyms
 have greater energy to arrest criminals, but
women
Use synonyms
 are not successful
men
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
,
females
Use synonyms
 are emotionally vulnerable that's why they might not tolerate difficult situations,
such
Linking Words
 as terrible collisions or fatal accidents.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 have better potential not only physically but
also
Linking Words
 mentally to
work
Use synonyms
 in the
police
Use synonyms
 or
army
Use synonyms
force
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I personally think that
women
Use synonyms
 have a key role in the
police
Use synonyms
 or
army
Use synonyms
force
Use synonyms
 and the same right to
work
Use synonyms
 in these positions. One factor behind it is that
men
Use synonyms
 in the
police
Use synonyms
 or
army
Use synonyms
force
Use synonyms
 do not have the right to touch on
women
Use synonyms
 criminals,
for
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason,
women
Use synonyms
 need to join the military or
police
Use synonyms
force
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
females
Use synonyms
 can able to think critically and solve intricate problems which is why their roles are important in those societies where males are restricted from touching
females
Use synonyms
.
In particular
Linking Words
, the united arab emirates government imposed a rule for
men
Use synonyms
 that they have no right to touch
women
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, the government ought to give
women
Use synonyms
 the same opportunity to
work
Use synonyms
 in the
police
Use synonyms
 or
army
Use synonyms
force
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I firmly agree with those who believe that
women
Use synonyms
 have the same opportunity to
work
Use synonyms
 in the
police
Use synonyms
 or military
force
Use synonyms
. From my point of view, if the government give the same fortune to
females
Use synonyms
 who are willing to do forced jobs, it would be great for the country to reduce
women
Use synonyms
 criminals.
Submitted by belmontsy01 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure your arguments are consistently clear and well-supported. Although the essay presents valid points, some ideas could be expanded further. For instance, the emotional vulnerability of women was mentioned but not elaborated on in depth.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of your essay. The structure is mostly logical, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Use more varied linking words and phrases to connect your ideas seamlessly.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that idea. Occasionally, sentences drift off-topic, disrupting the overall coherence.
task response
The essay addresses both perspectives of the debate and provides a clear opinion, which effectively completes the task.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in following the argument.
task response
Relevant examples are used to support the arguments, such as the UAE law and the physical comparison between men and women, making your points more convincing.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: