IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many part of the world, it is common for one parent to stay and home and raise a newborn child while the other works full-time to earn money. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#part #world #parent #home #child #works #money
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It is common in most
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of the world that
one
 of the
parent
Change to a plural noun
parents
show examples
 needs to stay
home
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 take care of
newborn
Correct article usage
the newborn
show examples
baby
 and
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 needs to go to
full -time
Correct your spelling
a full-time
show examples
 job for financial support .
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
 will help to save
money
 for
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 future needs ,I believe that
one
 of the
parent
Change to a plural noun
parents
show examples
 should
be stay
Change the verb form
stay
show examples
home
 for
safety
Add an article
the safety
show examples
 of the
children
 . The main reason that
both
parents
 work full-time even after giving birth to a
new born
Correct your spelling
newborn
show examples
baby
 is to save
money
 for their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 future needs .
Both
parents
 know that all things are getting expensive nowadays and it would be hard to afford in the future .
For example
 ,
parents
wants
Change the verb form
want
show examples
 to earn
money
 so that they can purchase a house for their kids so that their
children
 do not need to suffer in order to buy basic
necesseties
Correct your spelling
necessities
.
Therefore
,
parents
 prefer to do jobs in order to provide all the things to their
baby
 so that their
children
 can focus on their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
.
However
 , I believe , nowadays crime rate is high in every part of the world ,so it would be hard to
left
Wrong verb form
leave
show examples
 your
baby
home
Change preposition
at home
show examples
 with someone. The disadvantage is that the crime rate is so high in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society that it is hard
trust
Add the particle
to trust
show examples
 on third person even
that
Correct word choice
if that
show examples
 person is dearest to you. If
both
parents
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
go for
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 after leaving their
baby
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 someone's hand gives them stress at work and there is
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 risk of
safety
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
. .
For example
 , in India , many cases
happend
Correct your spelling
happen
 in which
children
 get kidnapped and
kidnapper
Correct article usage
the kidnapper
show examples
 asks sum of
money
 from their
parents
 . So, I believe that
one
 of the
parent
Change to a plural noun
parents
show examples
 should
be stay
Change the verb form
stay
show examples
home
 with their
children
 for proper nourishment
as well as
 for their
safety
 too. In conclusion,
although
 it might be a great plan
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
both
parents
 to work full-time in order to save
money
 for their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 essentials ,
one
 must consider the
safety
 of their child first
due to
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
show examples
 crime rate in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Submitted by kmlchahal97 on

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task achievement
To strengthen the task response, ensure that all points made directly address the prompt and are relevant. In this essay, you should also mention some potential advantages like the emotional and psychological benefits for the child of having a parent at home.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence and cohesion by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea and by using appropriate transitional words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly. You should also work on clearly defining each paragraph's purpose and avoiding repetition.
task achievement
To make your argument stronger, provide more relevant and specific examples. For instance, you can discuss real-world situations or studies about child development and the impact of parental presence at home.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps in understanding the main points raised.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main argument, reinforcing the writer's viewpoint on the importance of a parent's presence for a child's safety and nourishment.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a fair understanding of the task, acknowledging both the financial benefits of both parents working and the safety concerns of leaving a child with someone else.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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