IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Some people say that music has the power to bring people together in a way that few other things can. Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not?

#people #music #power
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From my perspective, I agree that
music
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 has the power to bring
people
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 together like other things
such
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 as country, religion or cast.
Firstly
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,
music
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 makes the group of
people
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according to
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 their interests.
This
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 group of
people
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 have the same mind and almost similar thoughts.
Therefore
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, these
people
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 combine together.
For example
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, I like the famous singer song and singer named Atif Aslam. He has a huge fan following.
For
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this
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 reason, I connected to many
people
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 through social media even from different countries.And we all stood together for any violence against the
music
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 or singe. In conclusion,
music
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 has the ability to unite
people
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,
Therefore
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 every country has their own National songs which help them to unite and become a nation.
Submitted by shahroz99dev on

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task achievement
Your essay has a clear stance, but it's important to expand your points with more supporting details and examples. This would make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of the essay can be improved by connecting ideas more seamlessly and using transition words. This would aid the reader in following your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetition of words and ideas (e.g., 'people') and use varied vocabulary to express your points. This will enhance your writing style and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear stance on the topic.
task achievement
You have provided a relevant example to support your point about music bringing people together.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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