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Band 3

Some people say that music has the power to bring people together in a way that few other things can. Do you agree with this statement? Why or why not?

#people #music #power
From my perspective, I agree that
music
 has the power to bring
people
 together like other things
such
 as country, religion or cast.
Firstly
,
music
 makes the group of
people
according to
 their interests.
This
 group of
people
 have the same mind and almost similar thoughts.
Therefore
, these
people
 combine together.
For example
, I like the famous singer song and singer named Atif Aslam. He has a huge fan following.
For
this
 reason, I connected to many
people
 through social media even from different countries.And we all stood together for any violence against the
music
 or singe. In conclusion,
music
 has the ability to unite
people
,
Therefore
 every country has their own National songs which help them to unite and become a nation.
Submitted by shahroz99dev on

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task achievement
Your essay has a clear stance, but it's important to expand your points with more supporting details and examples. This would make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of the essay can be improved by connecting ideas more seamlessly and using transition words. This would aid the reader in following your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetition of words and ideas (e.g., 'people') and use varied vocabulary to express your points. This will enhance your writing style and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear stance on the topic.
task achievement
You have provided a relevant example to support your point about music bringing people together.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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