IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Social media platforms are gaining in popularity in recent years. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages ? [555]

#media #platforms #popularity #years
With the advent of the internet, society has witnessed a revolution in many aspects of life, and
entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
show examples
 is
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
no exception. New kinds of pastimes have appeared and probably, one of the most prominent recreations is social
media
. Rarely do we see a person without a phone full of social
media
 nowadays and it might be what people spend most of their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 with.
However
,
this
 raises a critical question of whether the incremental popularity of these new kinds of
entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
show examples
 is actually
beneficent
Replace the word
beneficial
show examples
 or
there
Correct word choice
whether there
show examples
 may exist a potential risk to our daily lives. After weighing up both the merits and demerits of
this
 practice, I myself believe that the former far outweighs the latter,
thus
 substantiating
further
 pursuit of the above enquiry. Indeed, were social
media
be
Fix the infinitive
to be
show examples
 overused, it would bring about major disadvantages.
Firstly
, many
users
, especially
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
, can find social
media
 highly addictive. In
this
 premise, it is the natural enthusiasm of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 when approaching and later on, deeply diving into the web version of society, plus the impressionability of teenagers, that have
exarcerbated
Correct your spelling
exacerbated
 the problem.
For example
, cases have been recorded where children are too immersed in the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
appealing world of social
media
, leading to the lack of human contact and even depression.
Additionally
,
users
 can run risks of privacy invasion. Indeed, when signing in, people are
noticed
Replace the word
notified
show examples
 of an
ensurance
Correct your spelling
assurance
 from the service-providing company to keep their
information
in tact
Correct your spelling
intact
show examples
.
However
, attacks have been recorded in several
company
Change to a plural noun
companies
show examples
, including META, the headquarters of Facebook, which led to server crashes and leakage of
users
information
.
Although
 there were no major problems, the fact that our personal
information
 is vulnerable to hackers raises the question of online safety on social networking sites, since in fact, social
media
, within
realm
Add an article
the realm
show examples
 of possibility, could bear immense harm to
users
, both physiologically and psychologically.
Nevertheless
, every coin has two sides, and social
media
 could deliver more favours than drawbacks.
For instance
, social
media
 can foster innovation and learning.
With the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 diversity of ideas and notions shared by experts on social
media
 channels,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can spark
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
creativity among
users
. Just with a simple prompt and a click of a button, anyone can gain access to the seemingly unlimited sources of
information
. A selective attitude could be required to be able to acknowledge the noteworthy
information
 but if used properly, social platforms could yield a positive outcome to your knowledge.
Moreover
, social
media
 might be one of the best
approach
Change to a plural noun
approaches
show examples
 to news and current events. Platforms like X, Facebook and
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 have emerged
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
as real-time sources, providing instant updates on happenings around the world.
Additionally
, it is the availability and convenience that
facilitates
Correct subject-verb agreement
facilitate
show examples
 access to breaking news and
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 people stay informed on current events as they unfold.
Accordingly
, Not only
social
Add a missing verb
does social
show examples
media
 offer constant
information
 access but
also
 entertainment alongside
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
connectivity. The above discussion clearly demonstrates that the values social
media
 can bring about far overweight the latent risks. These platforms are here to stay and might continue to thrive in popularity in the aftermath of the continual development of society.
Submitted by Andy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task and provides a comprehensive discussion on the advantages and disadvantages of social media. However, including more specific and varied examples could strengthen your task response.
task achievement
While your ideas are generally clear, there are moments where your vocabulary and phrasing could be more precise. For instance, 'exarcerbated' should be 'exacerbated'. Improving vocabulary use can make your ideas even clearer.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother to improve the overall flow. For example, using phrases like 'On the other hand' more consistently can enhance coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame your argument, which is crucial for addressing the task comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported with logical reasoning and relevant examples, particularly in the discussion of the advantages of social media.
coherence cohesion
You manage to maintain a logical structure throughout the essay, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument. This is a significant strength in terms of coherence and cohesion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: