IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. Summarize the information by selection and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. Summarize the information by selection and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
#proportion #population #three #countries #information #selection #features #comparisons
The following line graph depicts the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of people
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
65 and over between the
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 1940 and 2040 in three countries, which is
Japan
,
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, and Sweden. The column shows the
year
 and the rows provide the
percentage
.
First,
there are 2 countries which experienced a general increase in the
percentage
 of people over the age
65
Change preposition
of 65
show examples
 to around 15% by the
year
 1980 from
it’s
Replace the word
its
show examples
 former state of 7.5% to 10%. These two countries later contrasted between the
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 2000 and 2020 as the
USA
 had
stagnant
Correct article usage
a stagnant
show examples
 flow in the people’s
percentage
 at 15%,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 Sweden had an incline in the number of percentages adding up to 20% by 2020. Despite
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and Sweden’s incline,
Japan
 had a decreasing number of percentages ranging from the
year
 1940 to 1980, with it having 3% by 1960 to 1980. It
increases
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 to
it’s
Replace the word
its
show examples
 former state by 5% in 2000, and went drastically high by the
year
 2020 up to 10%.
Japan
 have the highest
percentage
 by the
year
 2040 with 27% of
it’s
Replace the word
its
show examples
 population
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
aged 65 or higher. In conclusion, Sweden and
USA
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 similar
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
show examples
 throughout the timeline, despite having an intervention between the two in the
year
 2000.
Japan
on the other hand
 had a low
percentage
 in the early years but went up
at the end
 and had the highest
percentage
 at 27%.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Contractions: Don't use contractions.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words year, japan, usa, percentage with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 9 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: