IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think that companies should have the same number of male and female employees. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #companies #employees
Most multinational corporations are already providing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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job opportunities to
men
 and
women
,
however
, these companies do not require
gender
 equality in the
number
 of
employees
.
Hence
, it has been suggested that the
number
 of males and females in a company should be exactly the same. Personally, I completely disagree with the statement and reasons will be provided in
this
 essay. It is undeniable that the
gender
 balance of staff depends on many factors, and the main one is which type of work it is. For certain fields like engineering and technology, there might be a higher percentage of males than females,
while
 in the education and medical fields, the proportion of
women
 would probably be higher.
Besides
,
this
 phenomenon does not mean these companies do not pay attention to the equality of
men
 and female, but it reflects the natural differences in sex distribution of different regions.
Additionally
,
although
 having an equal
number
 of
men
 and
women
employees
 seems reasonable to improve
gender
 equality in the job market, it is simply unfair to those interviewees who are qualified but policy-hampered candidates.
For instance
, if a firm requires a female employee because it already employs more
men
 than
women
. At the same time, there are two
employees
, the male interviewer was more skilled than the female. Obviously, it is unfair to reject the former because of
gender
 considerations. In conclusion, I disagree with the statement that the
number
 of
employees
 should be equal in
gender
, and I believe companies should try their best to provide a fair recruitment environment for
men
 and female.
Submitted by 2575444164 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, try to make the divisions between the main points more apparent by using linking phrases or words. This will improve the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure you provide specific examples that are closely aligned to the main points you are making. This will make your arguments stronger and more compelling.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your argument, while your conclusion concisely wraps up your stance. This helps in delivering a comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct point. This makes it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
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