IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that companies should have the same number of male and female employees. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Most multinational corporations are already providing
the
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apply
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job opportunities to
men
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 and
women
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,
however
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, these companies do not require
gender
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 equality in the
number
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 of
employees
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.
Hence
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, it has been suggested that the
number
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 of males and females in a company should be exactly the same. Personally, I completely disagree with the statement and reasons will be provided in
this
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 essay. It is undeniable that the
gender
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 balance of staff depends on many factors, and the main one is which type of work it is. For certain fields like engineering and technology, there might be a higher percentage of males than females,
while
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 in the education and medical fields, the proportion of
women
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 would probably be higher.
Besides
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,
this
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 phenomenon does not mean these companies do not pay attention to the equality of
men
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 and female, but it reflects the natural differences in sex distribution of different regions.
Additionally
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,
although
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 having an equal
number
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 of
men
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 and
women
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employees
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 seems reasonable to improve
gender
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 equality in the job market, it is simply unfair to those interviewees who are qualified but policy-hampered candidates.
For instance
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, if a firm requires a female employee because it already employs more
men
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 than
women
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. At the same time, there are two
employees
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, the male interviewer was more skilled than the female. Obviously, it is unfair to reject the former because of
gender
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 considerations. In conclusion, I disagree with the statement that the
number
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 of
employees
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 should be equal in
gender
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, and I believe companies should try their best to provide a fair recruitment environment for
men
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 and female.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, try to make the divisions between the main points more apparent by using linking phrases or words. This will improve the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure you provide specific examples that are closely aligned to the main points you are making. This will make your arguments stronger and more compelling.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your argument, while your conclusion concisely wraps up your stance. This helps in delivering a comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct point. This makes it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
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