IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant example from your knowledge or experience

#people #health #future #answers
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There is no denying the fact that
people
’s
health
 is the most crucial thing in the life of humanity.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that the average standard of folk’s
health
 is probably to deteriorate in the future compared to these days, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I completely agree with
this
 view.
To begin
 with, the average standard
health
 of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 is expected to decrease in the next decades, as it is affected by various factors, particularly the surrounding environment.
In other words
,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
 industrial revolution in our era led to huge progress in manufacturing, it has some harmful effects on our habitat like air pollution, which has a direct negative effect on human
health
.
In addition
,
although
 the cutting-edge technology in our era helps
people
 to overcome many obstacles, it makes youth adopt a sedentary lifestyle, which is the main reason for several diseases.
For example
, in a published paper about the
health
 of individuals in the Gulf region, the majority of
people
 suffer from diabetes and
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
show examples
 pressure
due to
 following unhealthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
. Another point to consider is stressful conditions, which make
people
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not care about their
health
. It is
also
 possible to say that most
people
 are so busy, so they prefer eating Junk food, despite being delicious, it has negative consequences on human
health
.
Moreover
, scientists do much research in various fields, especially in microbiology, which
increase
Change the verb form
increases
show examples
 the risk of creating harmful bacteria or
virus
Fix the agreement mistake
viruses
show examples
.
For instance
, the appearance of Covid-19, it is thought to be a result of lab experiments. In conclusion, despite
people
 having different views, I believe that human
health
 is more likely to be lower in the future
due to
 multiple causes, so
people
 should be aware of that problem, and they should do their best efforts to tackle it.
Submitted by sm710129 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure each paragraph flows logically from one idea to the next using transition words and phrases.
task achievement
Expand on points with more detailed examples or explanations to strengthen arguments.
logical structure
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument.
complete response
The essay covers multiple factors that could contribute to a decline in average health standards, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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