IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Human activity has had a negative impact on plants and animals around the world. Some people think that this cannot be changed, while others think that actions can be taken to bring the change. Discuss both views and give your onion.

#activity #impact #plants #animals #world #people #actions #change #onion
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Human actions, around the world, have had pessimistic consequences on other life forms
such
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 as animals and plants.
People
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 are divided into two groups where one of them thinks that these effects are
irreversable
Correct your spelling
irreversible
reversible
,
while
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 another group think that
people
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 can rescue
nature
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 .
This
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 essay will discuss both points of view including pessimistic
people
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's position and optimistic
people
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's position, including me. On the one hand, the global population is always increasing and requires a bunch of natural
resources
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 including
energy
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, food , and space which are produced using
nature
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.
People
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 need food,
energy
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,
resources
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 and space to live and feeding them with their needs may lead to deforestation, pollution and other harmful activities that are hard to stop entirely.
For instance
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, every day around 500 thousand
people
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 are born and 200 thousand die
that is
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 why the population always grows and if we consider that it is 5
people
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 in one square meter
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it turns out that every day 60000 kilometres of
nature
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 are occupied by
people
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 and
people
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also
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 need
energy
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, agricultural goods which harms the ecosystem and the
nature
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 itself.
Thus
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, until
people
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 can invent new ways to save natural
resources
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,
nature
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 will be endangered.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 who believe in an optimistic scenario argue that new advancements in technology could help to prevent
nature
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. Using new inventions in technology
people
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 can reduce using natural
resources
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 in
energy
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 by changing them with renewable
energy
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 sources
such
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 as wind, solar, and water
energy
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.
Moreover
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,
people
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 can upgrade
waste
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 management technologies which enables
people
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 to free lots of territory from
waste
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, recycling them.
As a result
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,
people
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 would save natural
resources
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 by using renewable
energy
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 and would free up
abunch
Correct your spelling
a bunch
 of space by recycling and
waste
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 management. In conclusion, human actions lead to harmful consequences for
nature
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 and
while
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 some
people
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 think that
this
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 process is irreversible because the global population always rising and
people
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 need to use
nature
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 to live, others hope that
people
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 can change
this
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 situation. In my view,
people
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 can mitigate the harm that
nature
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 receives from
people
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 by developing technology and inventing new ways to use renewable
energy
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 sources
,
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apply
show examples
 and
waste
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 management. Combining these methods and
people
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's awareness of
this
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 problem,
nature
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 can be preserved
Submitted by zhadyra.serikbayeva2016 on

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task achievement
Your essay responds well to the task and presents clear ideas on both sides of the argument. However, make sure to avoid small grammatical errors and improve the clarity of some complex sentences.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples and explanations to support your points. This will make your arguments more persuasive and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all points are linked together in a logical manner. While your essay flows well, some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. Use cohesive devices to enhance the flow.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are clear, consider rephrasing the thesis statement for better clarity. This sets a strong foundation for your argument and helps guide the reader through your essay.
task achievement
Your essay tackles both views appropriately and includes a comprehensive conclusion that reflects your opinion.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong introduction and a clear structure throughout the essay. Each paragraph has a distinct purpose and contributes to your overall argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • industrialization
  • urbanization
  • ecological state
  • natural habitats
  • irreversible processes
  • deforestation
  • pollution
  • sustainable methods
  • renewable energy sources
  • efficient waste management
  • reforestation
  • conservation programs
  • wildlife sanctuaries
  • government regulations
  • public awareness
  • education campaigns
  • carbon footprints
  • conservation initiatives
What to do next:
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