IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in science research, business and academic word. Others believe that some information is too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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These days many individuals argue that it is advantageous to share research facts as broadly and freely as possible.
However
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, some
people
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 have an idea
that is
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 unnecessary to
divise
Correct your spelling
divide
devise
 with society, because it is dangerous and expensive.
This
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 essay will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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discuss both
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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two different ways
of
Change preposition
apply
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positive and negative. Some
people
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 argue that keeping the latest news about science, business, or academics from the public is crucial to
protect
Wrong verb form
protecting
show examples
 valuable
information
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. They believe that by being cautious, they can ensure that only those directly involved know the details about the methods, materials, or resources being used.
For example
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, during cosmetic production, scientists secretly test products on rabbits to make sure they work well. Unfortunately, these experiments often lead to diseases in the rabbits, increasing their mortality rate. Even though the public disagrees with
this
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 practice, scientists think that if
people
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 knew about it, it would interfere with the process and prevent new discoveries.
However
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,
this
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 way of thinking often ignores the disconnect it creates between
people
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 and authorities.
On the other hand
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, many countries focus on building trust with their citizens. They do
this
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 by being transparent about the
information
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 they gather in any field and the processes they use.
For instance
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, Iranian manufacturers have a set weekly schedule to inform the public about their production volumes. They
also
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 report on whether their investments are environmentally friendly, helping to reduce industrial carbon footprints.
This
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 kind of transparency builds confidence among the public, reassuring them that their tax money is being used responsibly and in eco-friendly ways.
As a result
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,
people
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 are more likely to engage with and contribute to the community and the government. In conclusion,
while
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 some believe that keeping
information
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 and procedures secret is necessary because of their value, I strongly believe that being open about
such
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information
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 not only builds trust and confidence but
also
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 encourages
people
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 to be more involved in the activities and contributions that governments request from them.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay effectively introduces both perspectives and concludes with your own opinion, which is good. However, you need to ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses and elaborates on a particular idea. Try to avoid mixing different points in a single paragraph for stronger coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Strengthen your main points with more detailed examples. The cosmetic testing example could be expanded, and another example for the opposing view could enhance your argument. Specific details make your points more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay flows logically from one point to the next. Use connecting phrases to link your ideas. Some sentences and ideas feel a bit disjointed, so working on smoother transitions will significantly improve coherence.
task achievement
Clarify some of your arguments. For instance, the negative view of sharing information isn't fully explored. Explain more about why people might think sharing information is dangerous and expensive.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction does a good job setting up the topic and presenting the two viewpoints. It’s clear and to the point.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively sums up your discussion and firmly presents your own opinion. Well done!

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Open access
  • Innovation
  • Collaboration
  • Proprietary information
  • Competitive advantage
  • Trade secrets
  • Transparency
  • Ethical risks
  • Plagiarism
  • Attribution
  • Security risks
  • Global learning
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