IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

the graph below the number of shops that closed and the number of shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018

#shops #country
The graph illustrates how many
shops
 opened and closed in one country from 2011 to 2018, with the data measured in thousands.
Overall
, it is clearly be seen that the
number
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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opened and
closured
Correct your spelling
closed
 declined throughout the period. In terms of the closing
shops
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of shops
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, it stood at 6500 in 2011. The stores
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
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 a peak at 7000 in 2013 before
witnessed
Wrong verb form
witnessing
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 a significant drop to around 800 in 2015. After a huge downturn, about 5000 stores closed again in 2016 and overtook the opening
shops
Change preposition
of shops
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.
This
number
remain
Change the verb form
remains
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 steady until the end of the period. Regarding the opening
shops
Change preposition
of shops
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, the
number
 began at 8500 in 2011. It suddenly decreased to 4000 in 2012
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and bounced back moderately by 2000 in 2015.
Furthermore
, the stores returned to 4000 in 2015 without any changes until 2016.
Finally
, in 2018, the
number
 of the
shops
 that opened
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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fell slightly by 1000.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task response
Make sure to provide a clear and concise summary of the overall trend in the introduction. Consider rephrasing 'it is clearly be seen' to 'it can clearly be seen'.
coherence and cohesion
While the main points are covered well, adding a brief conclusion can help in summarizing the analysis effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Improve accuracy and clarity by avoiding errors such as 'the number of the opened and closured declined' and 'the number of the shops that opened was fell'.
task response
Use more precise language to describe the trends. For instance, instead of 'bounced back moderately by 2000', consider 'increased moderately to 6000 in 2014'.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive overview of the data over the given period.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly sets out the topic and what will be discussed.
logical structure
There are clear paragraphs delineating the discussion of closing shops and opening shops.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • trend
  • fluctuation
  • peak
  • decline
  • surge
  • stabilize
  • correlation
  • economic conditions
  • consumer behavior
  • technological advancements
  • urban development
  • employment
  • retail sector
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