IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries, traditional foods are being replaced by international fast foods. Some people believe this exerts a negative effect on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#countries #foods #people #effect #families #societies
Nowadays, it is becoming common for
people
 to consume fast foods. Some
people
 believe that
this
 trend has a negative impact on both families and societies.
However
, I firmly agree that replacing traditional
food
 with international can
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative impact on families and societies for 2 main reasons. The main reason is
junk
food
 is unhealthy
food
. It contains preservatives that can be harmful to
people
's metabolism. By consuming
junk
food
,
people
 can easily get sick because of the chemical material in
food
,
such
 as nitrate. For illustration, consuming hotdogs every day can make
people
 easily get cancer.
As a result
, the life rate of the country will decrease
due to
 consuming
junk
food
. The following reason is consuming fast
food
 can make the sales of traditional
cuisine
 fall. Traditional
food
 is one of the identities of society.
Nevertheless
, in
this
 modern era, many
people
 opt the international
junk
food
 because it is easier to find and cook.
For instance
, a busy mother tends to buy McDonald's for breakfast for her children rather than buy nasi lemak, the traditional
food
 of Indonesia. By opting the
junk
food
, society consumes less traditional
food
.
Consequently
, the demand for traditional
cuisine
 will decline year after year. It will make traditional
cuisine
 hard to find.
To sum up
, presently, an increasing number of
people
 are choosing international fast
food
. Many
people
 argue that
this
 trend will lead to some drawbacks for families and society. I am firmly convinced
agree
Verb problem
apply
show examples
that
this
 trend can bring negative effects,
such
 as an impact on the health of
people
 and the sales of traditional
cuisine
 will decrease.
Thus
, it will be a wise decision to consume healthy
food
such
 as traditional
food
.
Submitted by harshbhardwaj155 on

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task achievement
Ensure that all ideas are fully expanded with explanation and examples. The reason related to health is discussed quite well, but the economic impact on traditional food could use more detail.
coherence cohesion
Reinforce the links between paragraphs and use more transition words to guide the reader through your arguments. This will enhance the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure that examples used, such as the one with 'nasi lemak,' accurately reflect the point being made. Sometimes an inappropriate example can weaken an argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a strong introduction and conclusion, clearly stating your position and summarizing your main points effectively.
task achievement
The health-related argument is logically developed and includes specific details, making it a strong point of your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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