IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Computer games are becoming very popular among children of all ages and nationalities. Parents say they are concerned because these games have little educational value and many harmful effects. Do you agree or disagree?

#computer #games #children #ages #nationalities #parents #value #effects
There is no doubt that these days computer
games
 are becoming very popular among children. Not only computer
games
 but iPads and phones, laptops. I think there are many harmful effects. It can affect their learning and education values so I see why parents get concerned. I understand that
games
 are fun for children and staying on their phones and iPads is addictive, but we need to make kids these days learn that it has more disadvantages than advantages.
Firstly
, teaching them in school why staying on devices is harmful and showing them what it can do.
Secondly
, parents can't keep buying computer
games
 for kids and giving them everything they want so it can be easier for them and letting them see that going out when they are bored is better. Parents need to act the same way they want their children to act
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
for example
 never using their devices in front of them or they will find it okay for them to use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 just the same as what ur doing. Teachers need to do the same. In the end, we can't take devices out of our lives because we need them to work, study and do lots of other useful things it's not always bad so we need to steady between using them and not using them.
Submitted by shougy.a on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to provide more relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. For instance, mention specific studies or real-life scenarios where excessive gaming has impacted children's education or behavior.
coherence cohesion
Develop a clear introduction and conclusion to frame your essay. An introduction should clearly state your position and outline the points you will discuss. The conclusion should summarize your key points and restate your position.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is well-developed. Avoid jumping from one idea to another without proper transitions. Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow and cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
Expand on each of your main points. Discuss how and why computer games can be harmful in more detail, and provide a more balanced view by acknowledging any potential benefits they might have for children.
task achievement
The essay clearly expresses a concern shared by many parents about the impact of computer games on children, which is a relevant and important issue.
task achievement
The intention to balance the use of technology in modern life is a practical and sensible approach, indicating a thoughtful perspective on the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!