IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Government spend a lot of money on public celebrations such as national holidays and public festivals. Some people say that government spend too much on this and that they should use this money on other useful things. Do you agree or disagree ?

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Many arguments say that the
government
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 wastes too much of the
country
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's
funds
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 on national
holidays
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 more than the obvious problems being experienced by the citizens.
This
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 essay agrees with the latter argument. I think the
government
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 should spend more money on their long-term problem
such
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 as the
quality
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 of
education
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. First of all, many believe that using the
country
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's
funds
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 on national
holidays
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 is a waste and should be used for other important things. In a
lot
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 of developing countries, the
education
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quality
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 between suburban
areas
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 and urban
areas
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 is very different. Citizens in urban
areas
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 tend to have a higher-
quality
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education
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 than does in the suburbs.
For example
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, in Indonesia, a
lot
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 of institutions in rural
areas
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 do not have the same facilities as those in the city. To solve
this
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 ongoing problem, the
government
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 should invest a huge sum of money in
education
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, so that the people in the suburbs and the city have the same
quality
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education
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 and facilities.
Nevertheless
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, many believe that it is reasonable for the
government
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 to spend the
country
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's
funds
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 on organizing public celebrations
such
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 as national
holidays
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. People argue that national
holidays
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 symbolize an important event in history.
Furthermore
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, they
also
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 think that holding these events represents the
country
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's respect for their national heroes.
For instance
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, in Indonesia, they recently held a ceremony to celebrate their independence day in their new capital city. They celebrate
this
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 to respect their national heroes who fought for their independence. To summarize, I think that it is important for a
country
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 to arrange a public celebration
such
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 as national
holidays
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.
However
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, I do not think that the
government
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 should waste a
lot
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 of money on these events and
instead
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 use them for something more important.
Therefore
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, I think that these
funds
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 should be used to even out the
quality
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 and facilities of
education
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 in a
lot
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 of rural
areas
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.

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task achievement
The essay contains a clear position on the topic, but could benefit from expanding on the arguments for not spending too much on celebrations. More detailed discussion on why public funds should be redirected to other specific areas, beyond just education, would strengthen the task response.
coherence and cohesion
Enhancing the logical flow between paragraphs by better linking points and creating smoother transitions would improve the overall coherence. For instance, stronger topic sentences and concluding statements could help connect ideas more cohesively.
introduction and conclusion present
The essay begins with a clear introduction, presenting the issue and stating the position clearly. This helps set the stage for the argument and provides a strong foundation for the reader.
introduction and conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main argument and reiterates the stance taken in the essay. This helps to reinforce the writer's viewpoint and provides a succinct closure.
supported main points
The use of examples to support points, such as the disparity in education quality between urban and rural areas in Indonesia, enhances the argument and makes it more compelling.
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