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Writing Samples
Band 5

The graph below shows the percentage of households with different kinds of technology in the U.S. from 1995 to 1999.Summarize the informationby selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the percentage of households with different kinds of technology in the U.S. from 1995 to 1999.Summarize the informationby selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The graph depicts the percentage of households with various
Use synonyms
technology
Fix the agreement mistake
technologies
show examples
 from 1995 to 1999 in the United States. It is clear washing machines were the most popular in 1999
while
Linking Words
DVD
Use synonyms
players
Use synonyms
 were the least popular. The most popular
technology
Use synonyms
 in 1995 was the washing machine which was present in 60% of the total number of American households followed by the computer at 40%
while
Linking Words
 all the other
technology
Use synonyms
 was below 30%.
While
Linking Words
 every
technology
Use synonyms
 started to grow in popularity,
DVD
Use synonyms
players
Use synonyms
 started to decline in popularity till 1996, when it started to rise in the number of households in America. From 1997 to 1998,
DVD
Use synonyms
players
Use synonyms
 and the internet were on par with each other starting at 20% of American houses and reaching 30% by 1998. Mobile phones showed a significant increase in popularity from 1998 to 1999 when
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 surpassed computers, making
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 the second most available piece of
technology
Use synonyms
 in an American household after the washing machine. Following the computer was the internet, which increased by 30 percentage points starting from 10% and ending at 40%
whereas
Linking Words
DVD
Use synonyms
players
Use synonyms
,
who
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 were the least available were
incremented
Verb problem
increased
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 by 5 percentage points.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words technology, dvd, players with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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