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Band 3.5

Nowadays, more and more older people who need employment compete with the younger people for the same job. What problem this causes? What are solution?

#people #employment #job
In the contemporary era, it is seen that older
people
require
Wrong verb form
are required
show examples
 to challenge youngsters to get the same level of employment.
However
,
this
 essay will discuss the possible causes behind
this
 trend and provide valid solutions to solve the overarching problem. There are several causes associated with
this
 trend. First of all,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 has increased taxes on every product in the market .
Due to
rise
Correct article usage
the rise
show examples
 in expenses, all ages of
people
 are being pushed to earn money so that they can maintain their daily standard of living.
However
,
this
 movement comes with certain drawbacks; rivalry and competition can be seen between different ages. Many young
people
 will forget the age gap and start disrespecting the elderly
people
 to get the job. Companies have
to begin
 implementing various new policies in order to combat
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 issue. They can start introducing the age questionnaire
while
 sending out the interview calls.
By doing
Change preposition
Doing
show examples
 so, not only helps in mitigating competition but
also
avoid
Correct subject-verb agreement
avoids
show examples
 different
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of ages at the interview.
Also
, several tests could be introduced by the employers
such
 as typing, analytical and
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
.
This
 will help the HR to filter out the person who
posesses
Correct your spelling
possesses
 all the required
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
knowledge
Change preposition
of knowledge
show examples
.
To conclude
,
although
 different age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of
people
 start competing with each
others
Change to a singular noun
other
show examples
for improving
Change preposition
to improve
show examples
 their daily lives,
this
 approach in turn becomes the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 developing rage against each other.
However
, with the proper management
techniques
Add a comma
techniques,
show examples
 it would be easily balanced.
Submitted by sanakalsi3736 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides valid points but make sure to develop them with specific examples and detailed explanations. This could significantly improve your score.
coherence cohesion
There are a few grammatical mistakes and awkward phrases. Consider revising your essay for grammatical accuracy and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea and is supported by relevant details to improve paragraph coherence.
coherence cohesion
Commendable effort in structuring your introduction and conclusion logically. Both are present and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
task achievement
Your main points are clear and relevant to the task. You have successfully identified problems and suggested solutions.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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