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Band 5.5

Some people believe mankind has become too dependent on technology, and this level of dependence is a cause for concern. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #mankind #technology #level #dependence #concern
In the modern age, the pervasive nature of technology initiates some concerns about
people
's
dependency
. From my point of view, it is really necessary to set some limitations to enhance human independence,
however
, it is a profitable area for doing our tasks in easier ways. I tend to agree with
this
 idea entirely which will be described in the following context. Exploding new technology in recent years has led
people
 to become more dependent.
For example
, most
people
 in their current lives cannot ignore their smartphones which help them to carry out their tasks and duties, like selling their products through the Internet.
In addition
, there is an array of virtual education which are performed by universities through these new gadgets, especially the World Wide Web.
Moreover
,
according to
 the experts' points of view that are demonstrated in their research, the average time of using smartphones and the internet aimlessly is becoming more and more not only by offspring but
also
 by the elderly.
This
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 is defined as a
dependency
 and leads to initiate some worries about their mental and physical health. On the other side of
this
 view, a huge number of
people
 believe that we must embrace the new refinements to have a qualified life. Artificial Intelligence,
for instance
, has started a revolution in human life.
Therefore
, technological evolution and achievements do not have any inherent threats to create worries about
dependency
.
however
, they assume that every new approach and innovation
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to increase awareness, especially technological literacy.
This
 group opines that in
technological
Add an article
the technological
show examples
 transformation we should not set limitations
avoid
Correct word choice
and avoid
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
dependency
 on modern gadgets.
Furthermore
, accessibility to up-to-date facilities should be considered as a primary human right too. In conclusion, it can be mentioned that we cannot ignore the potential threats of technology
dependency
. I strongly believe
that is
 really necessary to set some rules and borders to decrease
this
 negative phenomenon for children.
Nevertheless
, these obstacles should be overcome by adults on their own.
Submitted by mortezashamsa on

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coherence cohesion
In the introduction, ensure clarity and directly state your position. For example, 'I agree with the idea that mankind has become too dependent on technology.' This adds specificity to your position right from the start.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main point that directly supports your overall argument. For instance, dedicate one paragraph to the negative impacts of technology and another to potential benefits and counterarguments. This will strengthen logical structure and support of main points.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to make them more relevant and specific. Instead of general statements, provide concrete cases or statistics where possible. For instance, you mentioned smartphone dependency; it would be more impactful if you added an example or study showing the average screen time increase over recent years.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your arguments and reiterates your stance on the issue, which helps to present a coherent argument throughout the essay.
task achievement
You made a logical distinction between different age groups and their technology usage, which introduces nuanced ideas into your response and shows depth in your understanding of the issue.

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