Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle the problem?

Some
children
often play console
games
rather than do outdoor
sports
. It is because young can enjoy playing mobile
games
for not moving and it can give them easy
dopamine
. For that
problem
, parents should not give the
phone
to a child for a long and give them only for 1-2 hours.
This
problem
is because of the easy
dopamine
that
children
acquire from
phone
watching.
Dopamine
is a hormone that our brain gives us when we feel very satisfied with something and in our time people take
this
from watching mobile phones and playing
games
on them.
For example
, my mother gives her
phone
to my little
brother
Jandos because it prevents his throwing tantrums and my junior
brother
watches it for 7-8 hours per day. A few months ago doctors said that my
brother
had autistic disease from the
phone
. The solution to
this
problem
is simple. Parents just must stop giving mobiles to
children
and spend more time with them.
This
will be greater if parents give the child to the
sports
section or just let him go outside and play with their friends. My mother's treatment for Jandos was it. She just gets the telephone from his arm and tells him to go outside and when there is nothing to do, it is obvious that
children
will have more energy for playing
sports
and make their health stronger. Now I do not see my little
brother
at home
due to
he is always on the street, playing football with his friends. In conclusion, some folk say that kids should do
sports
rather than play virtual
games
and the main reason for
this
problem
is that minors get a lot of
dopamine
from cellphones. Saying go outside without a
phone
is the simple and only solution for
this
phenomenon.
Submitted by Kawasaki on

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Develop your points further to include more comprehensive ideas and examples. This will strengthen your arguments and provide a more complete response to the question.
coherence cohesion
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task achievement
For task achievement, linking back to the prompt more explicitly can help. Ensure that you clearly address both parts of the question: why children prefer video games and how to tackle this issue.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively establishes the problem and offers a solution, which sets the stage for the essay.
relevant specific examples
Personal examples, such as the story about your brother, add a relatable and engaging touch to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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