IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some students tend to play computer games rather than do sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle the problem?

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Some
children
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 often play console
games
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 rather than do outdoor
sports
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. It is because young can enjoy playing mobile
games
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 for not moving and it can give them easy
dopamine
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. For that
problem
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, parents should not give the
phone
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 to a child for a long and give them only for 1-2 hours.
This
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problem
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 is because of the easy
dopamine
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 that
children
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 acquire from
phone
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 watching.
Dopamine
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 is a hormone that our brain gives us when we feel very satisfied with something and in our time people take
this
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 from watching mobile phones and playing
games
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 on them.
For example
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, my mother gives her
phone
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 to my little
brother
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 Jandos because it prevents his throwing tantrums and my junior
brother
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 watches it for 7-8 hours per day. A few months ago doctors said that my
brother
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 had autistic disease from the
phone
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. The solution to
this
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problem
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 is simple. Parents just must stop giving mobiles to
children
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 and spend more time with them.
This
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 will be greater if parents give the child to the
sports
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 section or just let him go outside and play with their friends. My mother's treatment for Jandos was it. She just gets the telephone from his arm and tells him to go outside and when there is nothing to do, it is obvious that
children
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 will have more energy for playing
sports
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 and make their health stronger. Now I do not see my little
brother
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 at home
due to
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 he is always on the street, playing football with his friends. In conclusion, some folk say that kids should do
sports
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 rather than play virtual
games
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 and the main reason for
this
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problem
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 is that minors get a lot of
dopamine
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 from cellphones. Saying go outside without a
phone
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 is the simple and only solution for
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon.

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What works well

2
introduction conclusion present

The introduction effectively establishes the problem and offers a solution, which sets the stage for the essay.

relevant specific examples

Personal examples, such as the story about your brother, add a relatable and engaging touch to your essay.

Improvement Suggestions

4
coherence cohesion

To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For instance, linking sentences between paragraphs will help the essay flow better.

task achievement

Develop your points further to include more comprehensive ideas and examples. This will strengthen your arguments and provide a more complete response to the question.

coherence cohesion

While reading through your essay, take note of repetitive ideas or phrases. Try to avoid redundancy and instead, aim for varied sentence structures to keep the reader engaged.

task achievement

For task achievement, linking back to the prompt more explicitly can help. Ensure that you clearly address both parts of the question: why children prefer video games and how to tackle this issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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