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Band 4.5

‘Unemployment remains the biggest challenge to school-leavers* in most countries’ •How far do you agree with this assessment? What other challenges face young people today?

#‘unemployment #challenge #school-leavers* #countries’ #•how #challenges #face #people
Many people believe that going on
appropriate
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an appropriate
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job
 after graduating from school is a significant challenge- added to many others- faced
individuals
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by individuals
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 at that age. I fully agree with
this
 agreement,
while
Correct word choice
apply
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I graduated recently and was passing -
as
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like
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 all my peers- through
long
Correct article usage
a long
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 sufficient period before getting the appropriate
job
. On the
first
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other
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 hand, a
consider
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considerable
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 proportion of fresh school graduators spend their time following up and
falling
Correct your spelling
failing
show examples
job
 applications seeking
for
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apply
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a good
job
 opportunity,
while
 many of them will not get it easy and might need to wait months. In 2022, in one developing country the percentage of unemployed school-levers after the first year of graduating was 16%.
On the other hand
, those who have just left their schools, usually, face
unbalanced
Correct article usage
an unbalanced
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 workforce, where most
employs
Replace the word
employees
show examples
 prefer experienced
individuals
.
Therefore
, it is obvious in most employment advertisements ,over several fields, that the minimum required experience is not less than three years.
Additionally
, the shortage of
job
 opportunities is not the sole
obstacles
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obstacle
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of
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for
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 young
individuals
, we can see a considerable percentage of
universities
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university
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 or school
graduated
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graduates
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 suffer from a lack of
the
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apply
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social skills which
make
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makes
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 them can not engage in
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
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 and build relationships with
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 effectively, and find interact with others a real problem they need to deal with. In conclusion, the lack of
job
 opportunities for young
individuals
 is a significant obstacle
due to
 various reasons,
is
Correct word choice
and is
show examples
on
Correct your spelling
one
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 of
series
Correct article usage
a series
show examples
 of issues faced
this
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by this
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 age group. Personally, I do agree
with
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apply
show examples
that
this
 issue
cause
Replace the word
causes
show examples
 a considerable challenge for those
individuals
.
Submitted by aalahmad387s on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of your essay. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
Task Response
Use more precise and varied vocabulary to express your ideas clearly. Refrain from using repetitive phrasing.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples and statistical data to support your main points effectively.
Task Response
Try to reduce grammatical errors and improve sentence structure for better clarity and readability.
Task Achievement
You have correctly identified unemployment as a significant challenge faced by school-leavers.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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