IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In many countries, the government likes to spend more money on arts. However, others think government should spend more money on health and education. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#countries #government #money #arts #health #education
There is no denying the fact that In many
countries
, the government likes to spend more cash on arts.
However
, others believe
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should spend more
money
 on both
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 and
education
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that the
governmet
Correct your spelling
government
 should spend a little bit more on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
 and
education
 because they will help other
people
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
 he will improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
creativity and for the
health
 side
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
new hospitals and
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
new
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 will assist a lot of
people
, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that the side of
health
 and
education
 will bring art to us so they need to spend more
money
 on
health
 and
eduaction
Correct your spelling
education
.
To begin
 with, many
countries
spending
Wrong verb form
are spend
show examples
 their
money
 in the
worng
Correct your spelling
wrong
 way they should
foucs
Correct your spelling
focus
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the right
directions
Fix the agreement mistake
direction
show examples
.
In other words
,
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
money
 on entertainment comes after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
 and
edcuation
Correct your spelling
education
.
In addition
,
health
 will help a lot of
people
while
 the schools and universities will give the structures to the students to assist them
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
be
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
 doctors so, it is all connected.
For example
,
"John
Change preposition
in "John
show examples
 and the
patients
Capitalize word
Patients
show examples
"
according to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
John
Change noun form
John's
show examples
 story he
was saying
Wrong verb form
says
show examples
 that he finished
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
college and
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
got a job
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the clinic he said he saved more than 100 patients. Another point to consider, the government have divided 100 million, 20 goes for art and museums, and 50 for
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
, the rest of the 100 for other stuff. it is
also
 possible to say that
money
 comes fast and
spend
Wrong verb form
is spent
show examples
 on something useless.
Moreover
, Japan has printed more than 1 billion in 2020, and by 2021 they spend all of it on one field only which is the arts.
for instance
,
usa
Correct your spelling
USA
done
Add the auxiliary verb
did
show examples
also
 the same but they managed to handle that huge amount of
money
 because of the great
educational
Replace the word
education
show examples
. In conclusion, Despite
people
 having
diffrerent
Correct your spelling
different
 views, I believe that it is very popular that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries
wasted
Wrong verb form
waste
show examples
 their
money
 on ridiculous things and there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
also
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wise
countries
.
Submitted by fnokgamer11 on

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task achievement
Work on providing more detailed and relevant examples to support your arguments. This will strengthen your task achievement.
task achievement
Ensure that your ideas are clear and comprehensive, avoid general statements and elaborate more on each point.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph links smoothly to the next for better coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Provide a clearer and more logical structure in your essay. Reorganize your points to enhance readability and understanding.
task achievement
You have demonstrated a good understanding of both sides of the argument and presented your own opinion clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, which helps in structuring your response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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