IELTS Writing Correction Service / Writing Samples / Band 5 In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of this. How can we deal with those causes?

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Due to
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the rapid growth of
technology
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technology,
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the world has come a long way there the lifestyle of people has changed
alot
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a lot
but everything comes with a cost
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such
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apply
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as
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apply
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in the devolved world
diffrent
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different
type of crime still take place which cause many problems like bullying , theft ,
suiside
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suicide
, murder and many more yet the worst part is we don't have strict punishment against
this
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crimes because of the
the
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apply
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number of crimes increasing day by day which is very concerning . In the upcoming monograph,
i
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I
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will not only shed light on the possible reason behind
these crime
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this crime
these crimes
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but
also
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the solution we can follow to stop these happening .
Submitted by shyamal017 on

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task achievement
Your response covers the general topic but needs more specific points on the causes of crime and measures to deal with it. Provide concrete examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay should have clear paragraphs with distinct points. Currently, the points are somewhat jumbled together. Separate distinct ideas into different paragraphs for better structure.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear conclusion. Make sure to summarize your main points towards the end.
general
There are several grammatical errors and spelling mistakes such as 'devolved' which should be 'developed', 'diffrent' which should be 'different', 'suiside' which should be 'suicide'. Paying attention to such errors can significantly improve your essay.
task achievement
You’ve identified various types of crime, which shows a broad understanding of the topic.
clear comprehensive ideas
You demonstrate an awareness that stricter punishments may be necessary, which is a good point.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction attempts to cover both causes and solutions, which is a good approach.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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