IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many places women are taking jobs which are traditionally done be men. What do you think made these changes happen? What's your opinion about it?

The shifting
roles
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 of
women
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 in the workforce, particularly in jobs traditionally held by
men
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, have become a significant topic of discussion.
While
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 some argue that these changes are driven by factors like social movements and education, others believe that various other factors contribute to
this
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 shift. In my view, the movement of
women
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 into traditionally male-dominated jobs is a positive
development
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 that reflects broader societal progress.
To begin
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 with, the rise in
women
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 occupying
roles
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 once reserved for
men
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 can be attributed to various social and educational advancements. Social movements advocating for
gender
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 equality have played a crucial role in challenging traditional
gender
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 norms and empowering
women
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. Organizations and campaigns that focus on
women
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’s rights have helped increase awareness and support for
women
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’s participation in all spheres of life, including the workplace.
This
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 shift is
further
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 supported by educational reforms that provide
women
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 with the same opportunities for learning and professional
development
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 as their male counterparts.
Moreover
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, the increasing levels of education among
women
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 have significantly contributed to
this
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change
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. In the past, educational opportunities for
women
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 were limited, often confining them to domestic
roles
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.
However
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, today’s
women
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 are equally educated as
men
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 and have the skills and qualifications necessary to excel in various professional fields.
This
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 advancement not only allows
women
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 to contribute more effectively to their families' financial stability but
also
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 enables them to pursue careers in areas traditionally dominated by
men
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.
For example
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,
women
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 are now making substantial strides in fields
such
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 as engineering, finance, and law, demonstrating their capability and competence in these
roles
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. From my perspective, the transition of
women
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 into
roles
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 traditionally held by
men
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 is a crucial and positive
development
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.
This
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change
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 not only fosters
gender
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 equality but
also
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 enhances the
overall
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 economic and social fabric of society. When
women
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 are empowered to take on diverse
roles
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, it promotes a more inclusive and balanced workforce.
Additionally
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, it helps break down outdated stereotypes and encourages both
men
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 and
women
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 to pursue careers based on interest and aptitude rather than
gender
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. In conclusion, the shift of
women
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 into traditionally male-dominated jobs is a reflection of positive social
change
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 driven by education and advocacy for
gender
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 equality.
This
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development
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 supports not only the personal growth of
women
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 but
also
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 contributes to a more equitable and productive society. Embracing
this
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change
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 and continuing to support
women
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 in all professional fields will ultimately benefit everyone by promoting a more diverse and capable workforce.

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task achievement
Consider incorporating more specific examples or statistics to strengthen your arguments. For example, mentioning specific social movements or educational programs that have significantly impacted gender norms can make your points more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. While your essay is well-organized, enhancing the flow with transitional phrases can improve coherence. For example, use phrases like 'In addition to,' 'Furthermore,' or 'Another factor is' to maintain a seamless connection between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a strong conclusion, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
You addressed the prompt thoroughly by discussing the factors behind the shift in women’s roles and offering your opinion on the matter, demonstrating a strong task achievement.
task achievement
Your points are well-supported and logically presented, contributing to the overall effectiveness of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces your opinion, providing a satisfying end to your essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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