IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

A REPORT INDICATED THAT MANY CHILDREN BETWEEN 7 AND 11 SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WATCHING TELEVISION AND / OR PLAY VIDEO GAMES. HOW DOES THE PROBLEM AFFECT THE CHILDREN, THEIR FAMILIES AND SOCIETY? WHAT MEASURES CAN BE TAKEN TO CONTROL IT?

#report #children #time #television #video #games #families #society #measures #control
It has been reported that
,
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apply
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alot
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a lot
 of kids spend much of their
time
 watching television or playing video games
specially
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especially
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 at certain age
group
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groups
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.
This
 essay
,
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apply
show examples
 will highlight two drawbacks of these
habit
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habits
show examples
 in
children
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children's
show examples
life
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lives
show examples
 and will suggest two ways to mitigate
this
determental
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detrimental
 problem. Considering
firstly
 the effects that may
results
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result
show examples
 from spending
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
time
 on TV or in video games ,
this
 can affect their
acadamic perfromance
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academic performance
,because it
distract
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distracts
show examples
 them from studying and
keep
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keeps
show examples
 their mind busy most of the
time
, which will lead to lower their concentration level.
Secondly
,
children
 tend to spend many hours doing
this
 to the
extend
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extent
show examples
 that they become addicted , keeping in mind that, there is no control over the content of these
videoes
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videos
show examples
.
For example
, a report showed that
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the unusual
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unusual
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unusually
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 aggressive behaviour of
children
were
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was
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 strongly related to watching criminal movies.
Nevertheless
, these issues could be reduced with some measures in place.
Firstly
,we can
encorage
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encourage
 them to socialize with their family and
freinds
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friends
, by
making
Verb problem
having
show examples
 parties and gatherings ,so they can get out
from
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of
show examples
 their private box.
In addition
, we should motivate the
children
 to engage in other beneficial activities, like, any kind of sports
such
 as swimming , playing football ,running and
icekating
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ice skating
, which will increase their concentration level and keep them more focused.
For instance
,
children
 who practise
sport
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sports
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 activities tend to get higher grades and increase their performance. In
concusion
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conclusion
, spending
alot
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a lot
 of
time
 watching TV or playing video games,
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 the major
resoans
Correct your spelling
reason
 behind distraction and unusual behaviours,
although
 they can be surmountable by, spending more
time
in
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on
show examples
 sports activities and socialization.
Submitted by hazarbakhit on

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task achievement
While the introduction states the topic and purpose of the essay, it could be more concise and clearer. Ensure that your thesis statement clearly outlines the main points that will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
The essay needs better organization. Each body paragraph should focus on a single main idea, which is well-supported by evidence and examples. Currently, the essay lacks a clear structure and flows erratically from one point to another.
task achievement
Pay attention to grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, the phrase "watching TV or playing video games are the major resoans behind distraction" should be corrected for both subject-verb agreement and spelling.
coherence cohesion
Make use of transitional phrases and conjunctions to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Phrases like "In addition," "Furthermore," and "Moreover," can make your writing more coherent.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the negative impacts of excessive screen time on children and suggesting possible measures to mitigate these issues.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as mentioning a report on aggressive behavior related to criminal movies, adds credibility to your arguments and makes the essay more compelling.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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