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Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphone. Why might this be the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development

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It is quite mundane
the
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that
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indiviuals
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individuals
individual
 are
incling
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inclining
inclined
including
 towards modernised amenities and are
the
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apply
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leaving traditional ways of relaxing themselves.
Although
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 people use the recent technical equipment for their comfort,
this
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 has made their minds less creative and innovative.The impact of
such
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sedentary
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a sedentary
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 lifestyle and becoming introverted in
this
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challeneing
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challenge
 would not give them any
idead
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ideas
idea
 or creativity.
To begin
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 with,children nowadays spend their
leiusre
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little
 time glued to their devices
instead
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 of exploring outdoor
activites
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activities
 and engaging in new hobbies
this
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 can cause children especially toddlers, who tend to get influenced
easier
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easily
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 impact them in a bad way.
Furthermore
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, excessive use of social media could have a direct effect on a child's attention span.
This
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 could influence their studies and
the
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their
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 ability to socialize and make friends.
For instance
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, a recent report illustrates that
majority
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the majority
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 of students who tend to spend most of their time in front of the screen have a harder time getting
along with
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 peers their age.
On the other hand
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,many students find smartphones a better and
effective
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more effective
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 mode of learning.
For example
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,many visual
leaners
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learners
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 find it easier to comprehend study material using different applications
such
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 as
,
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apply
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youtube
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YouTube
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,instagram
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and Instagram
 to study for exams.
Moreover
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,
usage
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the usage
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 of smartphones for
a
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apply
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positive use may help children learn new skills online.
This
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 goes back to the year around 2020,
where
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when
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majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
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 of students started
usling
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using
 applications
such
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 as,'Orig' to learn new programs and languages. In conclusion, some individuals argue that there are more advantages to
of
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apply
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using a smartphone in
this
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 era.
Nevertheless
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,I firmly believe that more considerations of other parties' facing issues should be taken into account to achieve more sustainable advantages.

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introduction conclusion present
The essay's introduction is slightly confusing and does not clearly introduce the topic. It is important to start with a statement that directly addresses the topic of children spending hours on smartphones and why this happens.
logical structure
Ensure each main point is clearly connected and transitions smoothly from one to the next. Your points about the negative and positive effects of smartphone use by children are good but could flow better with clear linking phrases.
clear comprehensive ideas
Some parts of the essay contain awkward phrasing or minor grammatical errors that may affect clarity. For example, 'majority of students who tend to spend most of their time in front of the screen have a harder time getting along with peers their age.' could be improved for clarity.
relevant specific examples
Good use of specific examples, like the report on students' screen time and the mention of applications used for learning during 2020, which provide relevant support to your points.
supported main points
The essay covers both sides of the argument well, discussing both the potential negative impacts and the positive uses of smartphones for children.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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