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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think it would be a good idea for school to teach every young person how to be a good parent. Do you agree or disagree with this option ? Describe the skill a person needs to be a good parent.

#people #idea #school #person #parent #option #skill
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The upbringing of a child is a very demanding task and a few people
advocates
Change the verb form
advocate
show examples
 that a subject on parenting must be added to school curricula.
However
Linking Words
, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 notion to a large extent because majors are of immense importance in
this
Linking Words
 era. The reasons to support my stance are elaborated in
following
Correct article usage
the following
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 paragraphs and I
would
Wrong verb form
will
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also
Linking Words
 discuss a few traits of being an ideal parent.
To begin
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 with, the proponents of
above
Correct article usage
the above
show examples
 view
opines
Correct subject-verb agreement
opine
show examples
 that by adding parenting into the syllabus, pupils may learn a few skills and most likely would use these learned traits, when they
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
become parents in future. But,
this
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 assumption is very difficult to achieve because
Use synonyms
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
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 and
tutors
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tutors'
tutor's
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 interests are more inclined towards exam subjects
such
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 as
,
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apply
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 Maths, Science etc. as these topics are of practical importance.
Hence
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, parenting should not be included
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the school curriculum. On the flip side, opponents
advocates
Change the verb form
advocate
show examples
 that more emphasis must be given to the major subjects. In fact, it is an undeniable truth that
this
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 century belongs to technology and we should prepare
students
Use synonyms
 for the same.
However
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, it is only possible if they will learn these subjects in their initial years of schooling. To illustrate,
according to
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 the World Trade Organisation, most likely by 2050 there
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be around 50 billion new jobs in
IT
Correct article usage
the IT
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 sector and
students
Use synonyms
 with science
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
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 will
be benefitted
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
 from it.
Thus
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, we must not divert
Use synonyms
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 interest to
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
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 parenting skills
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
young
Correct article usage
a young
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 age, which they can learn later on. As a matter of fact, being a parent requires certain characteristics in a person.
Firstly
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, an individual should be
multi-tasker
Correct article usage
a multi-tasker
show examples
, as he would probably dealing with many things at a time with a baby.
Secondly
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,
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
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 to cope
in
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with
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 pressure situations that usually
occurs
Correct subject-verb agreement
occur
show examples
 with kids.
To sum up
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, more priority must be given to
learn
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learning
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 science and technology, because
this
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 would help young ones to have a
settle
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settled
show examples
 career in future.
However
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, the
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 upbringing skills can be learned later on in life.
Submitted by mrsdns on

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task achievement
One area for improvement is the clear integration of task response relevant to why teaching parenting skills in schools may not be feasible. Although you made valid points, you can augment your arguments with specific examples or evidence to strengthen your stance.
coherence cohesion
There were some cohesion issues, such as abrupt transitions and lack of connectors for smoother flow between paragraphs. Ensuring a more logical and seamless flow between sentences and points can improve the readability and coherence.
introduction
The essay's introduction sets the context effectively and clearly outlines the writer's stance, providing a good starting point for the discussion.
conclusion
The conclusion is succinct and restates the main argument, effectively summarizing the essay's main points.
supported main points
Main points are supported adequately, although additional and more specific examples could further strengthen the arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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