IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people believe that reading stories from a book is better than watching TV or playing computer games for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #stories #book #tv #computer #games #children
While
 some people prefer reading
books
 to watching TV or playing
games
 on
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 have different
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 and claim that watching TV and playing
games
 have more benefits.From my point of view,I agree with the former view.In the following paragraphs,the reasons to support my opinion will be outlined in detail.
To begin
 with,The sources of information
required
Wrong verb form
require
show examples
 more than one
ways
Fix the agreement mistake
way
show examples
 to receive
such
 as television or social media platforms providing
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sounds and graphics and computer
games
 which you have to play, listen and sometimes speak to other players has
proved
Correct your spelling
proven
show examples
 by scientific research that these resources can assist youngsters to memorise data better compared to
books
 which have only letters.
Moreover
,nowadays those types of media have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased rapidly.
This
 generation
learn
Change the verb form
learns
show examples
 from various platforms
such
 as Youtube,
Tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
show examples
 and Facebook because they are more
entertain
Change the form of the verb
entertaining
show examples
.
However
,children can easily be distracted.If they have
choice
Add an article
the choice
a choice
show examples
 to play rather than to learn,it will be hard to gain knowledge from those sources,so they must be under parental guidance.
In contrast
,Reading
books
is
Verb problem
makes it
show examples
 easier to concentrate.That's the reason why it
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 the main source of information in school.From my point of view, whenever I want to study seriously,
mobile
Correct pronoun usage
my mobile
show examples
 phone must be kept out of my sight.
Additionally
,reading
also
aid
Change the verb form
aids
show examples
 children to develop imagination. In conclusion, I strongly agree with reading since
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 of
books
 outweigh the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
.
However
,television and computer
games
 can be additional sources to gain knowledge under supervision.
Submitted by chawanat.pla on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure and grammar to improve clarity and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistent use of punctuation and space after commas.
task achievement
Develop your ideas with more specific examples to make your arguments stronger.
task achievement
You present a clear opinion and support it in the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical progression of ideas with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You provide relevant points to support your view on the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: