Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their chuldren’s Study. On the contrary , those online games have produced a lot of negative effect on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion

A number of parents believe that computer
games
do not bring benefits to their
children
's study.
Moreover
, it may have negative consequences
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
their mental and
physic
Replace the word
physical
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health. I fully agree with
this
statement
due to
online
games
make
children
lazier and more aggressive.
Firstly
, in most
of
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apply
show examples
 contemporary
games
Add a comma
games,
show examples
the main idea is murder, kidnapping , robbery or
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
other movements which
suppose
Wrong verb form
supposed
show examples
to break the law.
This
is to say that playing in
such
online plays may show how to commute to crime. As
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
result, in real life
this
type of
children
Fix the agreement mistake
child
show examples
can easily break the law and kids do not tend to study
good
Change the adjective
well
show examples
Secondly
, unlimited hours of playing violent
games
can damage
children
's
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
.Many doctors recommend
to reduce
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reducing
show examples
amount
Add an article
the amount
show examples
of time which kids spend online because
result
Add an article
the result
show examples
of
this
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
can be unpredictable and it
also
causes abuse from other angry teenagers.
For example
, online combat
games
produce a lot of aggression and increase
level
Add an article
the level
show examples
of angry mood.
In addition
to it, it can affect
to
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apply
show examples
their mental health and it may produce health issues like uncontrolled behavior. In conclusion,
a
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apply
show examples
plenty of families
worried
Add a missing verb
are worried
show examples
about online gaming
in
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at
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young ages
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
why it
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
not have positive effects
to
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on
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education, but
also
it may
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
uncontrolled consequences
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
.
Submitted by olqa.zvereva01 on

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coherence cohesion
Although the essay provides a clear position and covers relevant points, the structure could be more logical. Transition between ideas should be smoother.
task achievement
Specific examples related to the negative effects of online games would enhance the argument. For instance, citing studies or statistical data can provide solid support.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the opinion and sets the stage for the essay. This gives clear direction to the reader.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the main argument, providing a sense of closure.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt comprehensively, discussing both mental and physical impacts of computer games on children.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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