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Band 3.5

Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their chuldren’s Study. On the contrary , those online games have produced a lot of negative effect on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion

#parents #computer #games #value #chuldren’s #study #effect #development
A number of parents believe that computer
games
 do not bring benefits to their
children
's study.
Moreover
, it may have negative consequences
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their mental and
physic
Replace the word
physical
show examples
 health. I fully agree with
this
 statement
due to
 online
games
 make
children
 lazier and more aggressive.
Firstly
, in most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
 contemporary
games
Add a comma
games,
show examples
 the main idea is murder, kidnapping , robbery or
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
other movements which
suppose
Wrong verb form
supposed
show examples
 to break the law.
This
 is to say that playing in
such
 online plays may show how to commute to crime. As
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 result, in real life
this
 type of
children
Fix the agreement mistake
child
show examples
 can easily break the law and kids do not tend to study
good
Change the adjective
well
show examples
Secondly
, unlimited hours of playing violent
games
 can damage
children
's
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
.Many doctors recommend
to reduce
Change the verb form
reducing
show examples
amount
Add an article
the amount
show examples
 of time which kids spend online because
result
Add an article
the result
show examples
 of
this
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 can be unpredictable and it
also
 causes abuse from other angry teenagers.
For example
, online combat
games
 produce a lot of aggression and increase
level
Add an article
the level
show examples
 of angry mood.
In addition
 to it, it can affect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their mental health and it may produce health issues like uncontrolled behavior. In conclusion,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
plenty of families
worried
Add a missing verb
are worried
show examples
 about online gaming
in
Change preposition
at
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 young ages
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
why it
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not have positive effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 education, but
also
 it may
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 uncontrolled consequences
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
.
Submitted by olqa.zvereva01 on

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coherence cohesion
Although the essay provides a clear position and covers relevant points, the structure could be more logical. Transition between ideas should be smoother.
task achievement
Specific examples related to the negative effects of online games would enhance the argument. For instance, citing studies or statistical data can provide solid support.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the opinion and sets the stage for the essay. This gives clear direction to the reader.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the main argument, providing a sense of closure.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt comprehensively, discussing both mental and physical impacts of computer games on children.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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