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Band 6.5

Although families have influence on a children’s development, factors outside the home play a bigger part in their lives nowadays. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the contemporary era, characterized by rapid technological advancements and widespread globalization, the
development
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 of
children
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 is increasingly shaped by external
factors
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 rather than solely by familial
influence
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.
While
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 family undoubtedly plays a critical
role
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 in a child's upbringing, I contend that external
factors
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such
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 as educational settings and digital
media
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 have a more profound impact on
children
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's
development
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 today. One significant external factor is the educational environment. Schools are not only
centers
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centres
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 of academic learning but
also
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 social arenas where
children
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 encounter diverse perspectives and peer influences.
For instance
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, research conducted by the OECD reveals that students in larger public schools often experience lower levels of individual attention
due to
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 higher teacher-to-student ratios.
This
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 reduced oversight can lead to
behavioral
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behavioural
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 changes that might not be observed at home, emphasizing the substantial impact of the school environment on
children
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’s
development
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.
Thus
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,
while
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 family guidance is foundational, the external educational context plays a critical
role
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 in shaping
behavior
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behaviour
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 and attitudes. Another major
influence
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 is digital
media
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, which exposes
children
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 to a vast array of information and social interactions. The omnipresence of social
media
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 platforms means that
children
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 are constantly exposed to various trends, peer opinions, and content that can significantly impact their self-perception and
behavior
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behaviour
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.
For example
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, studies by the Pew Research Center indicate that
children
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 who engage heavily with social
media
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 are more likely to experience issues related to self-esteem and body image.
This
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 exposure to external content often outweighs the
influence
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 of parental advice, highlighting the powerful
role
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 of digital
media
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 in modern
development
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. In conclusion,
while
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 the
role
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 of family in
children
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's
development
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 remains undeniably important, the
influence
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 of external
factors
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such
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 as educational environments and digital
media
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 has grown significantly. The substantial time
children
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 spend outside the home and their exposure to a wide range of external stimuli underscore the need for parents to be proactive in guiding their
children
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 through these influences. By acknowledging and addressing these external
factors
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, families can better support their
children
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's
overall
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development
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 in today's complex world.

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task achievement
Your essay is well-structured and maintains a clear focus throughout. You have effectively addressed the prompt by discussing both the importance of family and the influence of external factors such as educational environments and digital media. To elevate your score, you could provide a counterargument or explore family influence in more depth to balance the discussion.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs, providing more transitional phrases between some of the paragraphs can improve the overall coherence. This would help in smoother progression of ideas.
task achievement
You have effectively used specific examples and studies to support your points, making your argument more convincing and concrete.
coherence cohesion
Your essay features a strong introduction and a concise conclusion that effectively wraps up your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Proliferation
  • Media
  • Technology
  • Peer influence
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Educational institutions
  • Character building
  • Social norms
  • Global community
  • Cultural exchange
  • Marketing
  • Advertising
  • Preferences
  • Values
  • Government policies
  • Standardized education
  • Child welfare programs
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