Government should spend money to increase the development of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sport and art performances for general public. Do you agree or disagree?

Government
support is one of the
advancement
Change to a plural noun
advancements
show examples
for any
industries
Fix the agreement mistake
industry
show examples
. Some people
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
that the
government
should promote the improvement of school students who are interested in
sports
and art, rather than advocate pro events of those activities.
This
essay will discuss both aspects mentioned above in the following paragraphs and illustrate the reason why I believe that
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
development has more beneficial outcomes.
To allocate
Fix the infinitive
Allocate
show examples
a
government
fund, supporting
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
proficient sporting and artistic affairs can offer huge financial gain for
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
,
for example
, Thai boxing is Thailand’s national sport which greatly
attract
Change the verb form
attracts
show examples
tourists every year. If the
government
advance Thai boxing
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
in terms of marketing, contest
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
, and organized
venue
Fix the agreement mistake
venues
show examples
, it may boost
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourism revenue including accommodations, food, and shopping.
Moreover
,
this
can perhaps lead to
be
Change the verb form
being
show examples
considered as a host to arrange any international competition in the future, if domestic events perform well.
Consequently
, the country will derive substantial
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
from it.
However
, if the
government
upgrades education for these fields, it possibly
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
many advantages
such
as
well-prepared
Add an article
a well-prepared
the well-prepared
show examples
system for students, who want to become an athlete or
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
, and inspiring excellent activities
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
kids.
First,
having a good standard of learning procedure is essential to become successful,
while
a huge budget to set it up is needed,
for example
, a high-level training consists of a lot of expensive standard equipment:
sports
machines, art supplies,
studios
Correct word choice
and studios
show examples
.
Second,
many children are motivated to engage in
sports
and art, which are physical and mental
exercise
Fix the agreement mistake
exercises
show examples
, raising healthy hobbies among young people.
This
promotion can probably not only help youth’s well-being but
also
increase competitive
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
for them as national athletes or
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
professional event endorsement can bring a significant economic benefit, investing in school education structure should be a focus for
government
spending since
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
it perhaps publicly enhances
country’s
Correct article usage
the country’s
show examples
potential in
sports
and arts of the next generation.
Submitted by jubjangjuda on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt, but there are a few areas that need improvement. Consider adding more specific examples to reinforce your arguments.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-structured, transitioning between ideas more smoothly would enhance coherence. Some sentences could be clearer and more concise.
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported and relevant to the topic. You have effectively discussed both aspects of the issue.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with clear introduction and conclusion sections, which is good for overall coherence.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Foster a sense of creativity and teamwork
  • Well-rounded individuals
  • Discovery of young talent
  • Nurtured to achieve greater success
  • Social or economic background
  • Access to quality education
  • Healthier lifestyle
  • Obesity and mental health problems
  • National pride and cultural appreciation
  • Showcasing the country’s talent
  • Generate revenue
  • Tourism and media coverage
  • Societal well-being
What to do next:
Look at other essays: