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Writing Samples
Band 5

For a long time, art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?

#time #art #part #cultures #world #people’s #values #science #technology #business #arts #attention
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Looking back at history,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 over time public attention has deviated from arts to subjects
such
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 as
science
Use synonyms
, technology and business. Some
people
Use synonyms
 subscribe to the theory that
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 choosing art-related majors as their life-long occupation they might encounter financial difficulties in their lives and a lot more hold
this
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 firm conviction that it is way easier to find a job related to scientific and business careers but there are solutions to these problems. So many
people
Use synonyms
 subscribe to the theory that art plays less or no role in enhancing the quality of life by making it more comfortable. To keep up with
this
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 fast-paced world, humans need to be well-informed about marketing strategies,
digital
Correct word choice
and digital
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 and technological transformations.
However
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, craft cannot satisfy the
population
Change noun form
population's
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 modern needs and wants.
For instance
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, the recent coronavirus pandemic the creation of relative vaccines proved how much the
science
Use synonyms
 field is remunerative to mankind.
Apart from
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this
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, the growth in various
fields
Use synonyms
 of
science
Use synonyms
, technological development, and business
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 provided immense money-making employment opportunities. In a competitive environment, big companies hire specialists and pay them high
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
 to increase productivity and economic growth.
Hence
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, in modern societies where money is an essential tool through which security, health and well-being are achieved,
people
Use synonyms
 would rather go after well-paid occupations that
guarantees
Correct subject-verb agreement
guarantee
show examples
 access to these needs than
following
Wrong verb form
follow
show examples
 a path with
uncertain
Correct article usage
an uncertain
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 future. Funding for studying art is what the government can do to create
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 life for
people
Use synonyms
 who pursue these
fields
Use synonyms
. Many artists struggle with making a living or attending
a
Correct article usage
apply
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college. With
funds
Add a comma
funds,
show examples
 they can focus more on creating rather than simply breadwinning.
Besides
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, by investing in art-related
fields
Use synonyms
, we can create as many opportunities as other
fields
Use synonyms
such
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 as
science
Use synonyms
. Human beings are neuralgically hardwired for arts.
Hence
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, with the creation of related jobs in the market, they will pursue their dream and enter
this
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 work. In conclusion, there are a number of factors
such
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 as
inability
Correct article usage
the inability
show examples
in finding
Change preposition
to find
show examples
definition
Correct article usage
a definition
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 art
anduncertain
Correct your spelling
and uncertain
an uncertain
 future
contrubuting
Correct your spelling
contributing
 to losing interest in following
such
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 majors but there are ways
such
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 as funding art-realated majors and creating more career opportunities can tackle
this
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 issue.
Submitted by ronakdorrii on

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task achievement
Your essay responds well to the task and covers the main points. However, try to develop your ideas a bit more comprehensively and provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph contains one main idea, and clearly link each paragraph to the main argument of your essay. Use transitional phrases to enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which neatly frame your essay, adding to the readability.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task by identifying the causes and suggesting solutions, showing a good grasp of the essay question.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • STEM fields (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics)
  • evolve
  • technological advancements
  • overshadowing
  • financial pressures
  • practical careers
  • digital entertainment
  • accessible
  • integrated
  • curricula
  • fostering
  • emotional intelligence
  • public art projects
  • engage
  • interactive
What to do next:
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